I'm so lonesome I could cry,
I've never seen a night so long.
When time goes crawling by,
And the moon goes behind a cloud...
Did you ever see me weep
When I've lost the will to live?
I'm so lonesome I could cry.
The silence of a falling star
Lights up the darkening sky,
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry.

I cannot believe how quickly the day went. Just one thing after another. Maybe, finally, this is enough to keep me occupied all day. Maybe.

Booked flights for October 5. Dunedin to Auckland then Auckland to London. Will pick up a cheapie flight from London to Dublin when I get to Heathrow. Total cost is $1693.67. Not too bad at all. Straight onto the visa, which I'll pay off before I go. And save ten grand so I can go in style.

I need to get away, and it was either Ireland or London. And while I love London, I can't make a home there. I can make a home in Ireland. And I can live and work there forever if I choose without any worry about working visas etc etc.

I will go down to Cork eventually to see Eva and Stuart, and Greg, and out to Dun Laoghaire to see Tommy. Then probably down to Kinsale for a week or more, across to Killarney to wander through the castle again, then over to the West to take in some beautiful scenery. Mountains, lakes, grey brooding skies.

Pure aloneness. Parts of Ireland where you can go for miles without seeing another human being.

I remember standing on the edge of a cliff looking down into a bright green field with a dark purple sky overhead, just about to pour with rain. Everything seemed more real; I seemed more real.

Dragon tales, and the water is wild;
Pirates sail and lost boys fly.
Fish bite moon beams every night,
And I love you.
Godspeed my man, sweet dreams, my man.
My love will fly to you each night
On angel's wings.
Godspeed, sweet dreams.

So I'm headed for home. That calling in my blood that took me to the Emerald Isle when I was sixteen has raised its voice again. It's an irristible impulse; an impulse not resisted.

I am an Irish national by birth, and my application for an Irish passport is a mere formality. Have applied for about a million jobs for everywhere in Ireland, from the green fields of Co. Wexford and Galway to the bright lights of Dublin's left bank.

I have only once before felt such a pull towards home. I need to go.

Wouldn't you know it, I've lost my courage;
Isn't that funny- me, lost for words?
Not that it really matters, because I know you know,
And you would have told me yourself if you could.
Remember the first time we met each other?
You were in your world, I was in mine.
Breaking down the barriers, we broke all the rules.
And wasn't it good? Wasn't it fine?
I took it for granted, while you took you time.
Longing for love, oh how we tried,
It's over now that's understood,
But wasn't it good?
Two would-be lovers, caring for flowers
That just wouldn't grow.
And in all of our tomorrows we'll have all those yesterdays.
And wasn't it good?

I still miss him. Yes, thankyou everyone who reminds me continuously that I don't need him, that I need to get over him, that I should be dating someone else.

Well guess what?

I don't want to date anyone else.

And I know, I know, as much as he denies it, I know he's back with her. And I can't figure out what's so wrong with me.

Am I fat, ugly, stupid etc etc ad nauseum?

This is driving me insane. And I have very little chance of dating someone else while I'm still hung up on him.

I wish he'd let me go. Or be with me. Preferably be with me.

How can you mend a broken heart?
And how can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes this world go round?
How can you mend a broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please mend my broken heart, and let me live again.

I can't wait for New Year's, so I'm going to make some New Year's Resolutions now. Or not so much resolutions as things I hope to achieve this coming year.

Firstly, I intend to beat this corrosive anxiety that seems to be slowly taking over my life and has got infinitely worse since November.

Secondly, I want to find someone who I love and who loves me. As stupid as it sounds, I now want someone who I can have a relationship with. Even though I've fought and fought against ever having that.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart,
Without saying a word
You can light up the dark.
Try as I may, I can never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,
There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me.
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if I ever fall,
You say it best when you say nothing at all.
All day long I can hear people talking out loud,
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd.
Try as they may they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine.

Better day today. Much better day. A little bored, but better.

There's nothing I could say
To make you try to feel ok.
And nothing you could do
To stop me feeling the way I do.
But if the chance should happen
That I never see you again,
Just remember that I'll always love you.
I'd be a better person,
On the other side I'm sure
You'd find a way to help yourself
And find another door.
To shrug off a minor incident,
And make us both feel proud.
I just wish I could be there to see you through.
You always were the one
To make us stand out in a crowd.
Though every once in a while,
Your head was in the clouds.
There's nothing you could ever do
To ever let me down.
And remember that I'll always love you.

The things that I want to do before I die surprise me.

I want to visit Notting Hill and the Portobello Road Market.
I want to spend a month in a rehab centre to find out why I feel so hopeless.
I want to travel to Egypt and ride through the desert on a camel.
I want to breathe the same air that Cleopatra breathed thousands of years ago.
I want to stand on Molokai Island.
I want to travel to Naples and see the ruins of Pompeii.
I want to live in a simple stone house in the Sahara and live my life by candlelight.
I want to sail down the nile on a barge and get off in Africa.
I want to visit India in monsoon season and feel the beat of my heart match the rhythm of the rain.
I want to walk across the Giant's causeway and understand where I came from.
I want to excavate human remains in deepest Africa.
I want to visit Norway and live in constant darkness for four months.
I want to fall madly desperately in love with someone who loves me too.

I'm not hanging onto your every word,
I'm thriving on my self sufficiency.
I'm not listening to the things I've heard
About me and you.
People think there must be something to the way
I talk about you every chance I get,
But if I think about you night and day,
Doesn't mean I'm ready yet.
Maybe I'm knee-deep in denial,
Or maybe I'm just trying to move on.
Maybe I should just keep away awhile.
But if distance is right, I'd rather be wrong.
Because I love the way you're smiling at me,
When it's you I know it's true- I'm still in love with you.
And I love the way you're trying not to let me see
You're still in love with me too.

It astounds me how I can dedicate so much of my time and my self to both a person and a place and they both destroy me.

How I can give everything I have, and get nothing.

How something that is just a way to make a living can matter so much.

How someone who is consigned to the past can matter so much.

It amazes me that having everything I want but nothing I need can make me so unhappy.

That someone can be so different to what you thought they were.

That I am my own worst enemy.

That without my even knowing it, my world has become a place with limits, boundaries and restrictions.

Maybe it's intuition, some things you just don't question.
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant.
And there it goes.
I think I've found my best friend,
I know that may sound more than a little crazy, but I believe.
I knew I loved you before I met you,
I think I dreamed you into life.
I knew I loved you before I met you,
I have been waiting all my life.
In your eyes, I see the missing pieces I've been searching for.
I think I just found my way home.
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy, but I believe.

So who was he talking about? Webs and cathedrals... Come on, those of you who read my thoughts, enlighten me.

And YES, to those who keep asking me, I DO still love him. I probably will never stop, even if I do eventually find someone else to marry and have children with. And at the moment, that's not looking hopeful. What have I got to choose from? A few fuck buddies, who want nothing more from me than a warm body, and I nothing more from them than the same? Rumours about a gay guy, attractive as he may be, chasing me? (which I'm pretty sure is bullshit by the way). Someone who professes to be deeply in love with me, but unfortunately, I can't stand the sight of?

At the moment, I'd just be content with one good man. Someone who cares about me.

Even with my twisted history, even with all that, surely I can find one man who loves me.

Staring right back in the face, a memory can't be erased,
I know because I tried.
Start to feel the emptiness, and everything I'm going to miss,
I know that I can't hide.
All this time is passing by, I think it's time to just move on.
When you come back down, if you land on your feet,
I hope you find a way to make it back to me.
When you come around, I'll be there for you,
You don't have to be alone with what you're going through.
You don't have to tell me what you're going through,
I won't be the one to let go of you.
I think it's time to just move on.

So talked to the big cheese this morning. No further pay increase. And he laughed at me, to inult me further. Treated me like a small child. And Lesley thinks I should take the job.

I left work and came home. Just could not be bothered any more with all that shit. And I know that everyone thinks I'm being stupid and annoying over it. But I don't want to sell myself short, and I think I'm worth more than an extra two grand.

Spent most of the day sleeping. Was nice to check out of reality for a while.

Reece is heading over to England in March, am thinking I should go with him. There's nothing here for me anymore is there? No boyfriend, no good job, nothing.

What day is it
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive.
I can't keep up and I can't back down,
I've been losing so much time.
And it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you.

So they didn't give me the job. But they offered me another, lesser job. Fucking adding insult to injury those bastards. I don't want the other job! I'd be crap at it and it's not like I have any passion for it. Why take on something I know I'm going to fail at?

And they really have backed me into a corner, I can't stay where I am for two reasons, one because I don't want to work under M and two because someone else already has my job. I can't stay in Kids because someone else already has THAT job. So if I don't take the job in women's, then I'm out.

Fucking fabulous.

We were dying from the word go,
I was dreaming but you never believed.
I was trying to fit myself
Into the spaces in between.
And you were kind and sometimes cruel,
And you said all the love in the world
Couldn't satisfy you.
And nothing hurt me so much
As the truth.

I need to find
Some kind of peace of mind
I need to find...

...A cottage with a sea view,
A regular summer tan,
I know that I deserve more,
But I still want you.

Welcome to my California home,
You don't need to call me,
Or tell me when you leave.
Tell me, because I don't know,
Do you still feel that love for me?


So incredibly exhausted! Didn't bother going to the work function...didn't really want to see Adam and Casey drool over each other all night. So went round to Marie's and spent the evening with her and Josh, drinking wine, eating pizza and watching dvds. Got texts from John all evening...that boy is sick! Thought he batted for the other team...

Still no news on the job front, Brett is now away for a week. Then it's Christmas week, so I'll have to wait and see what happens after that. Have never wanted a job so badly as I want this one. And for once, my job is more important to me than going out and getting pissed.

One precious day off tomorrow! Going to lie in! The thing I hate most about work is having to get up! On Thursday last week I found it so hard to get out of bed, and I kept thinking oh god, another four days of doing this. And I don't really know what I do all day, which makes it hard to look forward to a day because I don't really know what's going to happen. Am beginning to think I don't work very hard...

Drifting on a memory,
Ain't no place I'd rather be
Than with you.

It seems to me
We can sail together
In and out of mystery.

I want to be
Living for the love of you,
Each and every day
I'm living for the love of you.

So I found out a couple of really weird things today.

Firstly, that my grandmother was an alcoholic, which I'm guessing is where my insatiable need to drink myself into oblivion comes from.

Secondly, that my mother suffered postnatal depression after I was born. And I can't help but wonder if my low self esteem, my shocking sense of self, my need to be loved all stems from that rejection of me by my mother. Explains why I need love now though doesn't it?

A day given to introspection and reflection. Even got booted out of work, when all I wanted to do was work and work and forget everything I'd learnt. And I wasn't even allowed to do that.

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
There's something wrong here.
There can be no denying
One of us is changing,
Or maybe we've just stopped trying.

It used to be so easy living here with you,
You were light and breezy,
And I knew just what to do.
Now you look so unhappy,
And I feel just like a fool.

There'll be good times again for me and you,
But we just can't stay together.
Don't you feel it too?
But I'm glad for what we had,
And how I once loved you.


Oooo big secrets.... so excited! So hoping everything works out the way I plan...

Shhhhhhhh!

Just before our love got lost,
You said, I am as constant as a northern star.
And I said, constantly in darkness
If you want me I'll be in the bar.

You are in my blood like holy wine,
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet.
And I could drink a case of you,
And still be on my feet.

I remember that time you told me
Love is touching souls.
Surely you touched mine
Because part of you pours out of me.
In these lines from time to time.

Such a good day. Spent it by myself, except for a few hours when I saw Reece. He brought me chocolate (as usual). Good boy :)

Belinda was in work the other day. If looks could kill... And I remembered that time, when she was determined to get her hands on Reece, and I was seeing him, and how much she interfered, and then I found out that she and him were seeing each other. Funny that she blamed me and I blamed her, when we probably should have been blaming Reece. Maybe he's grown up since then...

Still nothing from Julian. I agree with Sarah- I would have thought he'd have cracked by now too. And I had a moment today when I checked my emails and there was still nothing from him, and I thought oh my god what have I done. Then I remembered that it was for the best, and I was okay again.

I have to say I'm fairly impressed with how well I'm taking this. Even just a few weeks ago I couldn't imagine my life without him in it, and now he's gone and I was so rude to him there's no way he's coming back, and I don't feel a loss, not really. I've lost my soulmate and my best friend, and it doesn't hurt as much as I thought.

Well, maybe the losing my best friend bit hurts. There's noone else I would tell the things I told him. I told him so many secrets, things that had happened to me in the past, and he, like a true best friend, listened and threatened the sorry mongrels who had hurt me.

Who would have thought that he would end up being the sorriest mongrel of them all?

I'm so afraid to love you, but less afraid to lose,
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night,
You gave me everything you had, you gave me light.
And I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by.

I feel SO much better!

I do still feel just a little sad that he's gone and it's SO over, but the relief and happiness far outweighs the sadness. Sarah said to me has he contacted you yet, and I said no and she said that she was so sure he would have cracked by now. And to be honest, so was I. And the fact that he hasn't come anywhere near me, while I know that it's a good thing, makes me more aware that it's over.

So. Looking forward.

I hope life's been good to you since you've been gone,
I'm doing fine now I've finally moved on.
It's not so bad; I'm not so sad.
I'm not surprised just how well I survived,
I'm over the worst and I feel so alive.
I can't complain, I'm free again.

Don't think I'm lying round crying at night,
There's no need to worry, I'm really alright.
I won't look back, as a matter of fact.

I don't think he'll ever talk to me again after what I said to him on Wednesday night. I was over him anyway, and I rung Adam to tell him that, and had a little dance because I was so happy that I was over him. I had rung his mum in Wanaka that evening, because his emails to me were getting more than a little odd...like saying he hates himself, his life's a failure, he tried to kill himself before he left for Scotland, that sort of thing.

I couldn't carry that burden anymore. I couldn't stop thinking that if something happened to him, then I would never forgive myself for letting it happen. I didn't want to ruin the rest of my life. And I knew it was over then, because if I still wanted him, I would have kept his secrets. I knew he'd be angry. So I rung his mother and told her,and she said that she didn't know it was that bad, and she would ring him this weekend. She must have rung him straight away, because he rung me from Scotland not too long after I'd rung her.

And I don't even feel bad! I feel so relieved that he's gone, I seriously should have done this months ago. And even though he said to me on Wednesday that he still loves me, I didn't weaken. Woo hoo me!

So he's gone, it's done and dusted, the ghost has been laid. I just wish it had been me.

I feel strong. Standing alone without crutches. I am me. A woman, an adult. A lost sheep. A found sheep. A survivor.

I've lived to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust;
Now all that's left are fruitless fires
That burn my empty heart to dust

And we're back where we started.

Sitting here every night waiting for the sacred email to come through. I love him so much, but I don't know if this is worth it.

I really don't.

And on the plus side James is now single. I could still have a professor... :)

Nah, I wouldn't touch James after Mary had her grubbly whiny little hands all over him. He's spoiled goods :)

I walked beside the evening sea
And dreamed a dream that could not be;
The waves that plunged along the shore
Said only: "Dreamer, dream no more!"

I know what I want to do is very very naughty. I want to wait for him again. I know I should forget all about him and get on with my life, but those emails...I can't just let him go. .

I know what I SHOULD do about Julian. But I also know what I WANT to do, and it's not what I should do. Weighing it up though...what's more important? The next twelve months or the next fifty years? Should I be miserable without for twelve months and then be delieriously happy for the next fifty years?

I have loved many, the more and the few -
I have loved many that I might love you.

Julian emailed me tonight, said he's been in Barcelona for a week, by himself.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied.
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his boot or shone his face I say,
"There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

It really is the end now. Moving on without him, and he doesn't even know it.

However, I have the feeling that I can be happy with someone else, if I choose to be. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, but feel that in a year or so, the time might be right.

And it helps that other people have been through this before me. It IS survivable, no matter how I might think otherwise. Not that many people are stupid enough to let this happen twice, and damned if I'm going to let it happen a third time.

It's over, he's gone and he's not coming back.

And I don't want him back.

Progress!!

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying.

I am so tired of being the victim here. True victim mentality.

And you know what? I'm GLAD that I won't be subjected to a life of wondering what my husband is up to behind closed doors. .

And I'm moving in with Marie fairly soon.

And he wouldn't know where to find me if he was ever so inclined.

So there.

I believe that if I should die
And you were to walk near my grave,
From the very depths of the earth
I would hear your footsteps.

I can't help but wonder why he ever came near me again. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. We both knew it was over, that we might have loved each once and perhaps we still did, but our lives had moved on. At least mine had. Briefly.

And all that BULLSHIT about how attractive he thought I was, that YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL text, that email that told me exactly how beautiful he thought I was...it was all lies.

And that's not an assumption I'm making because I do think I'm ugly; I know he was lying to me because I can guarantee he was saying the same things to Katharine at the same time.

Plain, dull, pasty Katharine. Katharine, who even though she knew me and was friends with me and had spoken to me many times in the past and had laughed with me over silly jokes and who I liked and thought I could trust...Katharine thought it was appropriate to lure my boyfriend to a deserted villa in the Italian mountains and seduce him.

Katharine who was a virgin, who had never even kissed a man before. Katharine who used those facts to hold onto him, saying that she gave herself to him thinking he would be with her forever. Lies. She had no moral reasoning for still being a virgin at the age of twenty eight; merely that she had never found anyone who was interested in her.

And yes, I am aware that I'm being a cow.

I think all that anger is currrently being redirected at Katharine.

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me:
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree.
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet:
And if thou wilt, remember
And if thou wilt, forget.

So I've spent most of the day so far lying in bed. I'm really making the most of this holiday.

I bought a tiny little pair of Chucks for Finn for Christmas. Awwww so cute! Even the smallest pair will be too big for him, but he'll grow into them. Right? Right? Well, maybe not for another year or so. But they were just so cute!

I think I need to get up out of bed, go have a shower and then DO something with the day. At least until Jonny turns up tonight.

When I am dead, and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken hearted,
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace.
As leafy trees are peaceful when rain bends down the bough.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now.

Can't sleep, can't sleep. I keep thinking of everything I want to do when I get back to work, how I want to try to make things a little more pleasant again. I honestly did not realise that things had gotten so awful amongst us, that everyone hated me and wished I'd go away.

I knew that I was not the same person that I was before Julian left. I thought that I was still functioning as normal, even though I knew I was sad.

Obviously not.

I just wish I could stop thinking of him. Everyone expects me to be over him, but he's only been gone ten days. How can I wipe out seven years in ten days?

Goodbye, my friend, goodbye my love,
You are forever in my heart.
It was preordained we should part,
And be reunited by and by.
Goodbye: no handshake to endure.
Let's have no sadness -- furrowed brow.
There's nothing new in dying now, though living is no newer.

Slowly working my way through my feelings and thoughts...as every emotion under the sun has bubbled out of me in no particular order, I guess I should just be thankful for those who have stood by me through this, and have made it their personal business to not walk away from me.

Maybe there will be someone else, somewhere, who I'll fall in love with, but I cannot comprehend that at this time.

What kills me the most is thinking of the wedding we'll never have, the children we'll never have. We'll never grow old together or move to New York or own our own house, plant our own garden, raise our children on our farm. We'll never move to Ireland and open our own pub. We won't share our lives and friends. I won't become better friends with Natalie and share dresses. I won't drink Rachael under the table. I won't ever again make fun of James and TAG. We won't ever again roll around on the floor gasping for air between fits of laughter. We won't ever be sweet and gentle towards each other again. He will never again brush my hair for hours and then continue to stroke it and twist it around his fingers. We will never again be in love.

I thought I shook myself free,
I bounce back quicker than most.
But I'm half delirious, you're too mysterious,
You walk through my walls like a ghost.
We haven't spoken in months,I've been counting the days.
I act like an addict, I've just got to have it,
I can never just leave it alone.

I must admit, I didn't think it would be incredibly hard to get over him. I miss him every single minute of every single day. I must have really loved this one.

Jonny's coming to see me tomorrow night. Reece came round today and brought me chocolate. He asked how I was, and when I said poos and wees he looked surprised and said that he didn't think I actually loved Julian. Newsflash. I did. And I do. Watch me cry.

And when it starts to interfere with work, it's not funny, no way. If I was in any way inclined to find the humour in this, which I'm not at the moment. And I'm so tired of people saying to me it'll be okay, plenty more fish in the sea...because you know what? I don't want any more fish, if I can't have that one.

I wonder if he's back living with Katharine. I know he said he was going to be staying with Bridget, but I can't help wondering how long that would last. The thing is, I kindof can see the light at the end of the tunnel here, and think that I'm better off without him...but for seven years, it's been HIM. When we couldn't stop talking, when there wasn't enough time in the world for all the things we wanted to talk about.

But I can also remember the silences, the forgotten phonecalls, the jealousy, the withdrawal of himself and his emotions, the broken promises, taking me just because he could.

Perhaps the whole episode was just a disaster. Although I'm not entirely sure of the purpose that it's served. I merely hope Karma come back and bites him in the ass.