This is my world
And this is who I am.
I'm not going to give myself up
To make you feel better.
I just can't pretend to be anyone else,
Because that's not really me.
I've got my own life to live
You can either accept me or let me go.
Because this is my world
And this is who I am.


They rung at 9:02 am this morning- I have a job interview!!!!!!!!! Friday at ten.

Threw my bad fortune off the top of a tall building,
I'd rather have done it with you.
Your boys smile, five in the morning,
Looked into your eyes, and I was really in love.
In Chinatown, hungover, you showed me just what I could do,
Talking about time travel and the meaning,
And just what it was worth.
And I feel like some bird of paradise,
My bad fortune slipping away.
And I feel the innocence of a child,
Everyone's got something good to say.
I paint pictures to remember,
You're too beautiful tp put into words.
Like a gypsy you dance in circles,
All around me, and all over the world.


The best weekend ever- he stayed on Friday night, and then I spent some of Saturday by myself till he came back on Saturday night and stayed until midnight on Sunday. We spent all of Sunday in bed, mostly watching movies and eating. We ordered in Chinese for lunch and he did a Mcdonalds run for dinner. We drank an awful lot of vodka last night. He made me breakfast in bed.

He told me he loves me.

Inside my heart there is this empty space,
It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches.
Inside my heart there's an empty room,
It's been waiting for lightening, it's been waiting for you.
And I am wanting and needing you here,
Inside the absence of fear.
Muscle and sinew, velvet and stone,
This vessel is haunted, it creaks and it moans.
My bones call to you in their separate skin,
I make myself translucent to let you in.
There is this hunger, this restlessness inside me,
And I know you're no stranger, you're my gravity.
I am wanting and needing you here,
Inside this absence of fear.


I've applied for the job of store manager at Jacqui E. Applications on Friday, so let's wait and see what happens.

So what does it matter who I'm in a relationship with? It's been made abundantly clear that you are not interested, so why does it matter?

You can be in a relationship with whoever or whatever you wish, and, I hate to say, it doesn't bother me one bit.

Strange that someone can be so insignificant, when once they were the world.

We could have had everything.

So now I'll have everything by myself.

I don't know why I liked you so much,
I gave you all of my trust,
I told you I loved you.
Now that's all down the drain,
You put me through pain,
Now I want to let you know how I feel:
Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now,
Fuck the presents, might as well throw them out.
Fuck all those kisses, they don't mean jack,
Fuck you, you bastard, I don't want you back.


Looking back, I'm not sure why I felt like I did. Perhaps it's the power of hindsight, perhaps it's that I have someone else, perhaps it's just the passing of time.

And it's funny that at the time you don't even know that someone is treating you badly. And then when someone treats you like you should be treated, you suddenly see it, and you think what the fuck? Why did I ever stand for that?

Unreasonable expectations for someone who would never be able to give me what I ask for. And the odd thing is that what I ask for is not unreasonable in itself. Compassion, committment, love.

Especially when someone says they love you. How can they love you and then knowingly hurt you so much?

Maybe the answer doesn't matter anymore.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain.
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall.
Like we never loved at all.


I think I've met someone.

Which means I've let go of someone else.