The lamp is burning low upon my tabletop,
The snow is softly falling.
The air is still within the silence of my room,
I hear your voice softly calling.
If I could only have you near,
To breathe a sigh or two,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love,
On this winter's night with you.
First visit to the midwife went fine. Baby is a little wriggler and has a good heartbeat- even though I couldn't hear a thing except for my own heart going whoosh whoosh whoosh! Gender scan on the fifteenth of January- can't wait!
Am wishing I felt a little more positive about baby- at the moment it seems to be taking over my entire body and I can't do anything without first thinking of baby. I wish I could transplant it just for a day, and be free.
I think once we see the scan and start buying things for baby, everything will be better. It all just seems very abstract at the moment.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Baby mine, don't you cry,
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part,
Baby of mine.
If they knew all about you,
They'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.
Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear,
Baby of mine.
Baby Amelia Rose or Alexander Hugh due to enter the world on June 18th 2007. Baby is all good, looks slightly like Bart Simpson at this stage. No morning sickness, no nothing.
We're getting married on November 24. I never really realised until I saw the marriage vows in black and white exactly how serious they are.
I will never break these vows that I will make with the utmost sincerity and solemness. I promise to my future husband that I will be forever faithful and loving. That I will support him in whatever he chooses. That I will try my best to be whatever he may ask of me.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part,
Baby of mine.
If they knew all about you,
They'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.
Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear,
Baby of mine.
Baby Amelia Rose or Alexander Hugh due to enter the world on June 18th 2007. Baby is all good, looks slightly like Bart Simpson at this stage. No morning sickness, no nothing.
We're getting married on November 24. I never really realised until I saw the marriage vows in black and white exactly how serious they are.
I take thee to be my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.
You have declared your consent before the church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, no man must divide.
I will never break these vows that I will make with the utmost sincerity and solemness. I promise to my future husband that I will be forever faithful and loving. That I will support him in whatever he chooses. That I will try my best to be whatever he may ask of me.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
The common mayfly has a life expectancy of just one day.
But is his miserable about it?
Not one bit.
He fills his day with the things he loves.
He soars. He swoops. He savours every moment.
Maybe there's a lesson in this for us longer living creatures?
Just think- if we embraced life like the mayfly-
What a life that would be.
There will be miserable nights when your body gets hijacked by your head. It misses that point where sleep is still a possibility and forges on to pass the night insomnia-struck. But then there will also be sleepless nights when sleep doesn’t come simply because you will it away. You will want to watch nostalgic movies that make you cry and dab your eyes with the corner of soft blankets. You will want to sit and listen to old recordings of friends strumming familiar songs in familiar tones. You will mouth along, striking each cadence perfectly, reaching with pointed brows at all the right instrumental breaks because somehow that’s what your friendships have become: perfectly orchestrated concerts of give and take, warm comfort, understanding. And it’s easy, these memories. You slip right into them as if no time has passed. But years have. Seasons changed, the years recycled back into summers. The differences between then and now are glaring, almost depressing if you think too hard. But lovely at the same time. You remember meetings held huddled around an uneven table at the back of some musty cafe. Hours passed there, sipping tea and laughing.
You ended each meeting with Space Oddity and that was right. It’s one of those songs that will catapult you back to thick summer nights—to college and other wrinkle-free moments—when you’re older, grayer, more comfortable with time passing though somehow desperate to turn back the clock, flip back through scrapbook pages or journal files until you reach this moment. When spring breathed into summer and you still knew the same people only better, with more stories to back up each familiar silhouette, with more conversations under your belt of a friendship, more nights spent apart. And there will always be the occasional phone call or email. The Christmas cards with smiling snapshots of growing families and receding hairlines. Like a time-lapse photo, you’ll shuffle through the years watching Jonas and Miriram and other Biblically-named children grow out of infancy and into awkward teens. Until they’re just like eveyone you used to know. A few generations younger, sporting different clothes but with the same summery feeling sewn into their seams.
There will always be those handful of songs that will put you back in a car racing towards the city or curving through the canyons or lying on your back on your living room floor. You’ll always love handclaps in songs, you’ll always love Dave Eggers and Don Delillo and Foer and Krauss. Perhaps your admiration will fade, your tastes will change, but you will always attribute these years to them. How they helped shape thoughts and essays and poems, conversations.
You’ll always love bear cubs, any sort of small cute animal that brings back old friends and their emails. You’ll always love bike rides, sunsets, Creamies, My So Called Life, small pieces of fabric or painted paper framed, cut off shorts and cheap slides. You’ll always love falling asleep to a whispering fan, baking late at night, picnicking, wandering towns until you know them like your young daughter, parks and BBQs, the sound of a swamp cooler, the look of magenta stripes against black, the spectacular holiness of mountains and canyons that grow old and young in the course of a year, the mournful sound of elegiac piano, ripped jeans and flannel, bonfires at the lake, the amphitheatre, stargazing, porch-sitting, constitutionals, that old book store, the fluff of cherry trees in bloom, the feel of mild rain, chalk pictures, phone calls that result in impromptu parties, swings, bubbles, frozen yogurt, homemade anything, remembering that there was a time in your life when seven square blocks became an entire world, that there was a time in your life when your best friends lived ten minutes away or less, that they were always there whenever you need them, or just whenever, the thought that people cared and loved you for being strange and immature and in love with life, the thought that everything was new and waiting to be discovered, the thought of being young and excited and scared about life, the thought that some place foreign became a home, the thought that once-strange people became a family.
And sometime 20 years in the future you'll sift through the old memories when you're packing up your much fuller library and remember those times you curled up with someone with heads resting in elbow crooks and a television screen flickering blue across your faces. You'll remember how the room was generally set to shadows, a vague hum of traffic outdoors, the soft rustle of a beanbag shifting beneath you. And the talking. The conversation. His hand on your cheek felt safer than safe. And you'll remember the awkward and you'll remember the wonderful. How there was ice cream, touching knees, and the small possibility and thus the small hope for an us. Your empty shelves and boxed books will seem so compact, so simple in the face of this avalanche of memories. You'll laugh at the Proust-ishness of it all. And hope that somewhere someone 20 years from now is sitting in a sunny kitchen with a newspaper folded on his knee, enjoying a moment of peace before his family wakes up, and thinking about those nights. You'll smile at this thought because the him you imagine 20 years from now sits at his kitchen table and, well. Of course. He smiles too.
But is his miserable about it?
Not one bit.
He fills his day with the things he loves.
He soars. He swoops. He savours every moment.
Maybe there's a lesson in this for us longer living creatures?
Just think- if we embraced life like the mayfly-
What a life that would be.
There will be miserable nights when your body gets hijacked by your head. It misses that point where sleep is still a possibility and forges on to pass the night insomnia-struck. But then there will also be sleepless nights when sleep doesn’t come simply because you will it away. You will want to watch nostalgic movies that make you cry and dab your eyes with the corner of soft blankets. You will want to sit and listen to old recordings of friends strumming familiar songs in familiar tones. You will mouth along, striking each cadence perfectly, reaching with pointed brows at all the right instrumental breaks because somehow that’s what your friendships have become: perfectly orchestrated concerts of give and take, warm comfort, understanding. And it’s easy, these memories. You slip right into them as if no time has passed. But years have. Seasons changed, the years recycled back into summers. The differences between then and now are glaring, almost depressing if you think too hard. But lovely at the same time. You remember meetings held huddled around an uneven table at the back of some musty cafe. Hours passed there, sipping tea and laughing.
You ended each meeting with Space Oddity and that was right. It’s one of those songs that will catapult you back to thick summer nights—to college and other wrinkle-free moments—when you’re older, grayer, more comfortable with time passing though somehow desperate to turn back the clock, flip back through scrapbook pages or journal files until you reach this moment. When spring breathed into summer and you still knew the same people only better, with more stories to back up each familiar silhouette, with more conversations under your belt of a friendship, more nights spent apart. And there will always be the occasional phone call or email. The Christmas cards with smiling snapshots of growing families and receding hairlines. Like a time-lapse photo, you’ll shuffle through the years watching Jonas and Miriram and other Biblically-named children grow out of infancy and into awkward teens. Until they’re just like eveyone you used to know. A few generations younger, sporting different clothes but with the same summery feeling sewn into their seams.
There will always be those handful of songs that will put you back in a car racing towards the city or curving through the canyons or lying on your back on your living room floor. You’ll always love handclaps in songs, you’ll always love Dave Eggers and Don Delillo and Foer and Krauss. Perhaps your admiration will fade, your tastes will change, but you will always attribute these years to them. How they helped shape thoughts and essays and poems, conversations.
You’ll always love bear cubs, any sort of small cute animal that brings back old friends and their emails. You’ll always love bike rides, sunsets, Creamies, My So Called Life, small pieces of fabric or painted paper framed, cut off shorts and cheap slides. You’ll always love falling asleep to a whispering fan, baking late at night, picnicking, wandering towns until you know them like your young daughter, parks and BBQs, the sound of a swamp cooler, the look of magenta stripes against black, the spectacular holiness of mountains and canyons that grow old and young in the course of a year, the mournful sound of elegiac piano, ripped jeans and flannel, bonfires at the lake, the amphitheatre, stargazing, porch-sitting, constitutionals, that old book store, the fluff of cherry trees in bloom, the feel of mild rain, chalk pictures, phone calls that result in impromptu parties, swings, bubbles, frozen yogurt, homemade anything, remembering that there was a time in your life when seven square blocks became an entire world, that there was a time in your life when your best friends lived ten minutes away or less, that they were always there whenever you need them, or just whenever, the thought that people cared and loved you for being strange and immature and in love with life, the thought that everything was new and waiting to be discovered, the thought of being young and excited and scared about life, the thought that some place foreign became a home, the thought that once-strange people became a family.
And sometime 20 years in the future you'll sift through the old memories when you're packing up your much fuller library and remember those times you curled up with someone with heads resting in elbow crooks and a television screen flickering blue across your faces. You'll remember how the room was generally set to shadows, a vague hum of traffic outdoors, the soft rustle of a beanbag shifting beneath you. And the talking. The conversation. His hand on your cheek felt safer than safe. And you'll remember the awkward and you'll remember the wonderful. How there was ice cream, touching knees, and the small possibility and thus the small hope for an us. Your empty shelves and boxed books will seem so compact, so simple in the face of this avalanche of memories. You'll laugh at the Proust-ishness of it all. And hope that somewhere someone 20 years from now is sitting in a sunny kitchen with a newspaper folded on his knee, enjoying a moment of peace before his family wakes up, and thinking about those nights. You'll smile at this thought because the him you imagine 20 years from now sits at his kitchen table and, well. Of course. He smiles too.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I remember L.A- seems a lifetime ago.
We were stars on Sunset Boulevard-
What a movie we made.
There were days in the sun;
That have stayed forever young.
Nights when passion was invincible,
We thought love would never die.
There were moments in that lifetime
That my heart still replays.
There were minutes, there were hours,
There were days.
There are moment I still love you that same way;
When I remember L.A.
Why do I love him so much?
Because he is my rock.
Because he has endless patience with me.
Because he stands up to me.
Because he loves me.
Because he's wonderful.
Because he makes me coffee.
Because he lets me listen to the same song over and over- even when he's going crazy.
Because I steal the covers and he doesn't mind.
Because he always does the dishes.
Because of a million other fantastic reasons.
We were stars on Sunset Boulevard-
What a movie we made.
There were days in the sun;
That have stayed forever young.
Nights when passion was invincible,
We thought love would never die.
There were moments in that lifetime
That my heart still replays.
There were minutes, there were hours,
There were days.
There are moment I still love you that same way;
When I remember L.A.
Why do I love him so much?
Because he is my rock.
Because he has endless patience with me.
Because he stands up to me.
Because he loves me.
Because he's wonderful.
Because he makes me coffee.
Because he lets me listen to the same song over and over- even when he's going crazy.
Because I steal the covers and he doesn't mind.
Because he always does the dishes.
Because of a million other fantastic reasons.
Monday, July 24, 2006
I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air.
I was born too late, into a world that doesn't care.
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
When the head of state didn't play guitar,
And not everyone drove a car.
When music really mattered and when radio was king.
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul.
When computers were still scary
And we didn't know everything.
I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air.
I was born too late, into a world that doesn't care,
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
Logburner has been installed. There's nothing better than lying on the beanbag next the fire staring into the flames. Time to dream.
Am more hopeful. Hopeful of what? Just the future. Maybe not everything is so bad after all. There is light at the end of the tunnel- I just need to find the end of the tunnel. At least I'm not alone in my search for it.
I even found enough roses in my front garden to fill a vase with.
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air.
I was born too late, into a world that doesn't care.
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
When the head of state didn't play guitar,
And not everyone drove a car.
When music really mattered and when radio was king.
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul.
When computers were still scary
And we didn't know everything.
I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air.
I was born too late, into a world that doesn't care,
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
Logburner has been installed. There's nothing better than lying on the beanbag next the fire staring into the flames. Time to dream.
Am more hopeful. Hopeful of what? Just the future. Maybe not everything is so bad after all. There is light at the end of the tunnel- I just need to find the end of the tunnel. At least I'm not alone in my search for it.
I even found enough roses in my front garden to fill a vase with.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Don't know why I'm still afraid-
If you weren't real I would make you up.
Wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep as the sea.
But right now, everything you want is wrong
And right now all your dreams are waking up
And right now I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom.
And remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game.
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and moon
That's lights my life.
But right now everything you want is wrong
And right now your dreams are waking up
And right now I wish I could follow you
To the shores fo freedom.
It amazes me that I can go to some dark places and still be the essence of humanity. I can still be hungry, I can still be sleepy, I can still be happy.
What do I get pleasure from?
From lying in my bed listening to it rain. From lying in a hot bath with my eyes closed emptying my mind. From watching NZ Idol. From my family and friends and most of all from my lovely fiance.
Who loves me no matter what, who puts up with me and my moods, who thinks I'm great. Who plays playstation with me for hours. Who will watch NZ IDol with me.
And as for the child that awaits me somewhere in my future...I cannot wait to meet you.
Not all that is gold glitters, not all who wander are lost. --Tolkein
If you weren't real I would make you up.
Wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep as the sea.
But right now, everything you want is wrong
And right now all your dreams are waking up
And right now I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom.
And remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game.
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and moon
That's lights my life.
But right now everything you want is wrong
And right now your dreams are waking up
And right now I wish I could follow you
To the shores fo freedom.
It amazes me that I can go to some dark places and still be the essence of humanity. I can still be hungry, I can still be sleepy, I can still be happy.
What do I get pleasure from?
From lying in my bed listening to it rain. From lying in a hot bath with my eyes closed emptying my mind. From watching NZ Idol. From my family and friends and most of all from my lovely fiance.
Who loves me no matter what, who puts up with me and my moods, who thinks I'm great. Who plays playstation with me for hours. Who will watch NZ IDol with me.
And as for the child that awaits me somewhere in my future...I cannot wait to meet you.
Not all that is gold glitters, not all who wander are lost. --Tolkein
Monday, June 12, 2006
We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won
As we sailed into the mystic
Hark now hear the sailor's cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let you soul and spirit fly into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows I'll be coming home
And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it
I don't have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
Magnificently we'll float into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows you know I'll be coming home
And when that fog horn blows I got to hear it
I don't have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we'll float into the mystic
I'm getting MARRIED!
I'm not sure what I did to deserve this amazing wonderful ever patient man. And no matter how tightly I hold him it's never close enough.
Went to Gore to see his parents and brother. Lots and lots of fun. I so badly want his family to like me.
Work going very well. Very happy there.
House good. Cold.
Fiance wonderful.
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won
As we sailed into the mystic
Hark now hear the sailor's cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let you soul and spirit fly into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows I'll be coming home
And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it
I don't have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
Magnificently we'll float into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows you know I'll be coming home
And when that fog horn blows I got to hear it
I don't have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we'll float into the mystic
I'm getting MARRIED!
I'm not sure what I did to deserve this amazing wonderful ever patient man. And no matter how tightly I hold him it's never close enough.
Went to Gore to see his parents and brother. Lots and lots of fun. I so badly want his family to like me.
Work going very well. Very happy there.
House good. Cold.
Fiance wonderful.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
It's hard to remember a time before,
Now I've met the love of my life.
Things get more comfortable,
Everything is going right.
And after all the obstacles,
It's good to see you now with someone else.
And it's such a miracle that you and me
And still good friends,
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool.
And I'll be happy for you if you can be happy for me.
Circles and triangles,
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend,
So far from we're we've been;
I know we're cool.
So what's been happening in my life?
Well, I moved into my house, I started renovations with my boyfriend's help.
My boyfriend moved into my house as a trial. I love him being there. We get up at the same time, he makes me tea, I get ready for work while he's showering, we drive to work together and drive home together. It's a combination that works.
Work is going well, my team is happy and I'm loving it more and more and more each day.
I'm doing things, we go out for dinner, we went ice skating, tomorrow we're going up to Oamaru for the day.
Life is good. Very very very good.
Now I've met the love of my life.
Things get more comfortable,
Everything is going right.
And after all the obstacles,
It's good to see you now with someone else.
And it's such a miracle that you and me
And still good friends,
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool.
And I'll be happy for you if you can be happy for me.
Circles and triangles,
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend,
So far from we're we've been;
I know we're cool.
So what's been happening in my life?
Well, I moved into my house, I started renovations with my boyfriend's help.
My boyfriend moved into my house as a trial. I love him being there. We get up at the same time, he makes me tea, I get ready for work while he's showering, we drive to work together and drive home together. It's a combination that works.
Work is going well, my team is happy and I'm loving it more and more and more each day.
I'm doing things, we go out for dinner, we went ice skating, tomorrow we're going up to Oamaru for the day.
Life is good. Very very very good.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
If you only read my mind you'd see I was hurt inside;
And a thousand times I've told myself it's over-
It's over.
But darling, what's done is done and the story has just begun;
It's time to change and leave the past behind.
Why should we know all the answers or how the story ends?
So take a chance on a happy ending, let's turn the page and stop pretending.
The past can stop a heart from mending, it's time to let go;
Because you know, somethings are better best forgotten.
I am officially a home owner. Two bedroom plus a library, kitchen, separate dining and living rooms too. Beautiful big bathroom- which includes a BATH! Sunny, warm, cosy.
I'm very very lucky. There's no other word for it but luck.
This boyfriend business is going well- he says he's going to end up marrying me.
Start new job on Tuesday. Everything is happening at once. Doctors, banks, lawyers, farewell dinners.
Reece has gone to London- keep getting texts and emails from him saying he misses me. I miss him too, but my boyfriend is glad he's gone.
And a thousand times I've told myself it's over-
It's over.
But darling, what's done is done and the story has just begun;
It's time to change and leave the past behind.
Why should we know all the answers or how the story ends?
So take a chance on a happy ending, let's turn the page and stop pretending.
The past can stop a heart from mending, it's time to let go;
Because you know, somethings are better best forgotten.
I am officially a home owner. Two bedroom plus a library, kitchen, separate dining and living rooms too. Beautiful big bathroom- which includes a BATH! Sunny, warm, cosy.
I'm very very lucky. There's no other word for it but luck.
This boyfriend business is going well- he says he's going to end up marrying me.
Start new job on Tuesday. Everything is happening at once. Doctors, banks, lawyers, farewell dinners.
Reece has gone to London- keep getting texts and emails from him saying he misses me. I miss him too, but my boyfriend is glad he's gone.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
There was something in your voice
Telling me not to be so sure.
Arousing some suspiscions
That I had never had before.
I thought we had it made,
I though you'd never go away,
But now you're suddenly like a stranger
And you're leaving our love behind.
Of all the things I was ever planning for
This was the last thing on my mind.
You know what? I kind of miss our friendship. The long emails, the letters, merely the fact that you were my friend.
What went wrong?
Telling me not to be so sure.
Arousing some suspiscions
That I had never had before.
I thought we had it made,
I though you'd never go away,
But now you're suddenly like a stranger
And you're leaving our love behind.
Of all the things I was ever planning for
This was the last thing on my mind.
You know what? I kind of miss our friendship. The long emails, the letters, merely the fact that you were my friend.
What went wrong?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I wanted your love, but look what it's done to me,
All my dreams have come to nothing, who would have believed
That all the laughter that we shared would be a memory,
I cannot count the tears you've caused me,
If only I could have seen...
And do you ever think of me, and how we used to be?
I know you're somewhere else by now,
Loving someone else no doubt,
Are you breaking someone else's heart?
Because you took my love to where you are.
Isn't it too, too bad about us?
I wanted your love, but I got uncertainty,
I tried so hard to understand you, for all the good it did me.
Now the places that we knew remind me of how we were,
Everything is just the same, except all I feel is hurt.
And do you ever think of me, and how we used to be?
Isn't is too, too bad about us?
Ewwwwwwwwww I have a kidney infection. Went to the doctors yesterday and she gave me a good poke in the kidneys which hurt like hell. So now I'm on antibiotics (which are HUGE) and I have to drink a crapload of water. Medical certificate giving me three days off work too.
The boyfriend has been very helpful though, bringing me all sorts of nice things to make me happy.
Can't wait to start new job, want to get stuck in to making the store do budget again etc etc.
All my dreams have come to nothing, who would have believed
That all the laughter that we shared would be a memory,
I cannot count the tears you've caused me,
If only I could have seen...
And do you ever think of me, and how we used to be?
I know you're somewhere else by now,
Loving someone else no doubt,
Are you breaking someone else's heart?
Because you took my love to where you are.
Isn't it too, too bad about us?
I wanted your love, but I got uncertainty,
I tried so hard to understand you, for all the good it did me.
Now the places that we knew remind me of how we were,
Everything is just the same, except all I feel is hurt.
And do you ever think of me, and how we used to be?
Isn't is too, too bad about us?
Ewwwwwwwwww I have a kidney infection. Went to the doctors yesterday and she gave me a good poke in the kidneys which hurt like hell. So now I'm on antibiotics (which are HUGE) and I have to drink a crapload of water. Medical certificate giving me three days off work too.
The boyfriend has been very helpful though, bringing me all sorts of nice things to make me happy.
Can't wait to start new job, want to get stuck in to making the store do budget again etc etc.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Any man of mine better be proud of me,
Even when I'm ugly, he'd still better love me.
And I can be late for a date that's fine,
But he'd better be on time.
Any man of mine'll say it fits just right,
When last years dress is just a little too tight.
And anything I do or say better be okay
When I have a bad hair day.
And if I change my mind a million times
I want to hear him say I like it like that.
Got my package from Jacqui E....a crapload of money, my own carpark, a yearly trip to Auckland (oooo DFS Galleria, LV, Chloe....), half price clothes, bonuses and all sorts of things.
Sounds pretty damn good.
And telling my boss wasn't tooooo bad. Luckily Shelly is pregnant and her hormones are all fucked up. She was barely even listening. I've been restless there for a while now and I'm sure they were aware of that. Just four weeks left.
Great night had by all.
Even when I'm ugly, he'd still better love me.
And I can be late for a date that's fine,
But he'd better be on time.
Any man of mine'll say it fits just right,
When last years dress is just a little too tight.
And anything I do or say better be okay
When I have a bad hair day.
And if I change my mind a million times
I want to hear him say I like it like that.
Got my package from Jacqui E....a crapload of money, my own carpark, a yearly trip to Auckland (oooo DFS Galleria, LV, Chloe....), half price clothes, bonuses and all sorts of things.
Sounds pretty damn good.
And telling my boss wasn't tooooo bad. Luckily Shelly is pregnant and her hormones are all fucked up. She was barely even listening. I've been restless there for a while now and I'm sure they were aware of that. Just four weeks left.
Great night had by all.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'm so high I can hear heaven,
And they say that a hero can save us,
I'm not going to stand here and wait.
I'll hold on to the wings of an eagle,
And watch as we all fly away.
Someone told me that love will save us,
But look what love gave us.
A world full of killing, blood spilling,
The world that never came.
And they say that a hero can save us...
I'm not going to stand here and wait.
I got the job.
Fuck me.
And now I just have to find the courage to tell my bosses.
They're going to kill me.
And I actually never thought I'd leave. It's a little bit sad. And a little bit weird. But VERY VERY VERY exciting.
It's the beginning of good things. Very good things.
And they say that a hero can save us,
I'm not going to stand here and wait.
I'll hold on to the wings of an eagle,
And watch as we all fly away.
Someone told me that love will save us,
But look what love gave us.
A world full of killing, blood spilling,
The world that never came.
And they say that a hero can save us...
I'm not going to stand here and wait.
I got the job.
Fuck me.
And now I just have to find the courage to tell my bosses.
They're going to kill me.
And I actually never thought I'd leave. It's a little bit sad. And a little bit weird. But VERY VERY VERY exciting.
It's the beginning of good things. Very good things.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Now that you're out of my life I'm so much better.
You thought I'd be weak without you but I'm stronger.
You thought I'd be broke without you but I'm richer.
You thought I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder.
You thought I wouldn't grow without you, but I'm wiser.
You thought I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter.
You thought that I'd be stressed without you, I'm chillin'.
I'm wishing you the best, pray that you are blessed
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness.
I'm not going to blast you on the radio,
I'm better than that.
I'm not going to lie about you,
I'm better than that.
I'm not going to slam you on the internet,
Because my mother taught me better than that.
You thought I'd be weak without you but I'm stronger.
You thought I'd be broke without you but I'm richer.
You thought I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder.
You thought I wouldn't grow without you, but I'm wiser.
You thought I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter.
You thought that I'd be stressed without you, I'm chillin'.
I'm wishing you the best, pray that you are blessed
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness.
I'm not going to blast you on the radio,
I'm better than that.
I'm not going to lie about you,
I'm better than that.
I'm not going to slam you on the internet,
Because my mother taught me better than that.
Second interview went well. Met the store manager, no big deal seeing as I already know her. She's the mother of someone who used to be in my team. And she remembered how I would write positive little notes on their rosters before I posted them out, and how I would have fun with the team and how I was hard but fair, and how I would write them little newsletters to encourage them. The interview only took twenty minutes and was mostly just about any questions they didn't ask last time.
I'll know by Wednesday.
They're meeting the other one next week. So it's all about sitting and waiting. Not my strong point. I want it to be Wednesday NOW!
Also so I can begin to make plans. If I get the job I won't be heading off overseas as soon as I thought. If I don't get it, I'll be going. Maybe sooner than I thought. And that leaves the problem of the boyfriend. He isn't ready to go that soon. I want to live my own life, and not be tied to what someone else wants...but I really do like him.
I think it's because I've spent so long not having to worry about what another person wants, and all of a sudden I need to be mindful of someone else. I't s hard for me. Especially having someone around me for such long periods. Maybe for anyone else, it wouldn't be a long time, but for me it seems like forever, and I treasure the little pockets of time when he's gone to the gym or gone home for something.
I'm a terrible person.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I'm out here on the street,
The things that seemed so sweet
No longer move my feet, but I keep trying.
All that I want is stillness of heart,
So I can start to find my way out of the dark,
And into your heart.
They called my referees yesterday.They called me today and invited me into Jacqui E tomorrow to see the store and meet the team. Down to the final two and I'm one of them...
Everyone else is betting I'll get it...I am not so sure.
The things that seemed so sweet
No longer move my feet, but I keep trying.
All that I want is stillness of heart,
So I can start to find my way out of the dark,
And into your heart.
They called my referees yesterday.They called me today and invited me into Jacqui E tomorrow to see the store and meet the team. Down to the final two and I'm one of them...
Everyone else is betting I'll get it...I am not so sure.
Monday, March 06, 2006
I've been searching for you,
I heard a cry within my soul.
I've never had a yearning quite like this before,
Now that you are walking right through my door.
All of my life where have you been?
I wonder if I'll ever see you again?
And if that day comes, I know we could win.
I wonder if I'll ever see you again?
A sacred gift of heaven,
For better, worse, whatever,
I would never let somebody break you down,
Nor take your crown, never.
Lovely weekend, even the fact I had to work didn't take away the pleasure. I haven't spent so long woth another person in close company for a very long time. I'd forgotten how it felt to have someone to rely on, someone to ease the pressures, someone to share the load.
He met my parents yesterday, baby, this is serious...
I heard a cry within my soul.
I've never had a yearning quite like this before,
Now that you are walking right through my door.
All of my life where have you been?
I wonder if I'll ever see you again?
And if that day comes, I know we could win.
I wonder if I'll ever see you again?
A sacred gift of heaven,
For better, worse, whatever,
I would never let somebody break you down,
Nor take your crown, never.
Lovely weekend, even the fact I had to work didn't take away the pleasure. I haven't spent so long woth another person in close company for a very long time. I'd forgotten how it felt to have someone to rely on, someone to ease the pressures, someone to share the load.
He met my parents yesterday, baby, this is serious...
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Up so early, feel so bright,
Didn't get much sleep last night.
Freight train running through my head,
Whistle blowing love is dead.
Heart attacked by fear and doubt,
Won't be long till the truth comes out.
First impressions never lie,
Lover's bonds hold so fast.
Restless future burning so bright,
The past is holding on so tight.
Never heard the warning bell,
And I just want to wish you well.
Why did you give up on me so soon?
Job interview went okay. Gut feeling...I didn't get it. But then, perhaps being in such a small store would drive me mad. Will know by Friday.
Have Friday and Monday off work...four day weekend!
Also have a nasty cold/flu thingy, fair play to me though, I didn't get ill till AFTER the interview. Kept the boy up most of the night with my coughing.
Ah yes...the boyfriend. How's that going?
Good, I think is the answer. He plays chess, he seems to like small children and animals, he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, he's not cheating on me, I've met his friends who are very nice and have been his friends years. He's well mannered, he grew up on a farm, he has a very well job. He eats Mcdonalds. He sends me flowers at work, he brings me chocolates, he puts money on my mobile when I've run out of airtime. He gives good advice, he gives good backrubs and he plays with my hair.
So there you go. THAT'S how that's going.
Didn't get much sleep last night.
Freight train running through my head,
Whistle blowing love is dead.
Heart attacked by fear and doubt,
Won't be long till the truth comes out.
First impressions never lie,
Lover's bonds hold so fast.
Restless future burning so bright,
The past is holding on so tight.
Never heard the warning bell,
And I just want to wish you well.
Why did you give up on me so soon?
Job interview went okay. Gut feeling...I didn't get it. But then, perhaps being in such a small store would drive me mad. Will know by Friday.
Have Friday and Monday off work...four day weekend!
Also have a nasty cold/flu thingy, fair play to me though, I didn't get ill till AFTER the interview. Kept the boy up most of the night with my coughing.
Ah yes...the boyfriend. How's that going?
Good, I think is the answer. He plays chess, he seems to like small children and animals, he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, he's not cheating on me, I've met his friends who are very nice and have been his friends years. He's well mannered, he grew up on a farm, he has a very well job. He eats Mcdonalds. He sends me flowers at work, he brings me chocolates, he puts money on my mobile when I've run out of airtime. He gives good advice, he gives good backrubs and he plays with my hair.
So there you go. THAT'S how that's going.
Monday, February 27, 2006
This is my world
And this is who I am.
I'm not going to give myself up
To make you feel better.
I just can't pretend to be anyone else,
Because that's not really me.
I've got my own life to live
You can either accept me or let me go.
Because this is my world
And this is who I am.
They rung at 9:02 am this morning- I have a job interview!!!!!!!!! Friday at ten.
And this is who I am.
I'm not going to give myself up
To make you feel better.
I just can't pretend to be anyone else,
Because that's not really me.
I've got my own life to live
You can either accept me or let me go.
Because this is my world
And this is who I am.
They rung at 9:02 am this morning- I have a job interview!!!!!!!!! Friday at ten.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Threw my bad fortune off the top of a tall building,
I'd rather have done it with you.
Your boys smile, five in the morning,
Looked into your eyes, and I was really in love.
In Chinatown, hungover, you showed me just what I could do,
Talking about time travel and the meaning,
And just what it was worth.
And I feel like some bird of paradise,
My bad fortune slipping away.
And I feel the innocence of a child,
Everyone's got something good to say.
I paint pictures to remember,
You're too beautiful tp put into words.
Like a gypsy you dance in circles,
All around me, and all over the world.
The best weekend ever- he stayed on Friday night, and then I spent some of Saturday by myself till he came back on Saturday night and stayed until midnight on Sunday. We spent all of Sunday in bed, mostly watching movies and eating. We ordered in Chinese for lunch and he did a Mcdonalds run for dinner. We drank an awful lot of vodka last night. He made me breakfast in bed.
He told me he loves me.
I'd rather have done it with you.
Your boys smile, five in the morning,
Looked into your eyes, and I was really in love.
In Chinatown, hungover, you showed me just what I could do,
Talking about time travel and the meaning,
And just what it was worth.
And I feel like some bird of paradise,
My bad fortune slipping away.
And I feel the innocence of a child,
Everyone's got something good to say.
I paint pictures to remember,
You're too beautiful tp put into words.
Like a gypsy you dance in circles,
All around me, and all over the world.
The best weekend ever- he stayed on Friday night, and then I spent some of Saturday by myself till he came back on Saturday night and stayed until midnight on Sunday. We spent all of Sunday in bed, mostly watching movies and eating. We ordered in Chinese for lunch and he did a Mcdonalds run for dinner. We drank an awful lot of vodka last night. He made me breakfast in bed.
He told me he loves me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Inside my heart there is this empty space,
It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches.
Inside my heart there's an empty room,
It's been waiting for lightening, it's been waiting for you.
And I am wanting and needing you here,
Inside the absence of fear.
Muscle and sinew, velvet and stone,
This vessel is haunted, it creaks and it moans.
My bones call to you in their separate skin,
I make myself translucent to let you in.
There is this hunger, this restlessness inside me,
And I know you're no stranger, you're my gravity.
I am wanting and needing you here,
Inside this absence of fear.
I've applied for the job of store manager at Jacqui E. Applications on Friday, so let's wait and see what happens.
So what does it matter who I'm in a relationship with? It's been made abundantly clear that you are not interested, so why does it matter?
You can be in a relationship with whoever or whatever you wish, and, I hate to say, it doesn't bother me one bit.
Strange that someone can be so insignificant, when once they were the world.
We could have had everything.
So now I'll have everything by myself.
It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches.
Inside my heart there's an empty room,
It's been waiting for lightening, it's been waiting for you.
And I am wanting and needing you here,
Inside the absence of fear.
Muscle and sinew, velvet and stone,
This vessel is haunted, it creaks and it moans.
My bones call to you in their separate skin,
I make myself translucent to let you in.
There is this hunger, this restlessness inside me,
And I know you're no stranger, you're my gravity.
I am wanting and needing you here,
Inside this absence of fear.
I've applied for the job of store manager at Jacqui E. Applications on Friday, so let's wait and see what happens.
So what does it matter who I'm in a relationship with? It's been made abundantly clear that you are not interested, so why does it matter?
You can be in a relationship with whoever or whatever you wish, and, I hate to say, it doesn't bother me one bit.
Strange that someone can be so insignificant, when once they were the world.
We could have had everything.
So now I'll have everything by myself.
Monday, February 13, 2006
I don't know why I liked you so much,
I gave you all of my trust,
I told you I loved you.
Now that's all down the drain,
You put me through pain,
Now I want to let you know how I feel:
Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now,
Fuck the presents, might as well throw them out.
Fuck all those kisses, they don't mean jack,
Fuck you, you bastard, I don't want you back.
Looking back, I'm not sure why I felt like I did. Perhaps it's the power of hindsight, perhaps it's that I have someone else, perhaps it's just the passing of time.
And it's funny that at the time you don't even know that someone is treating you badly. And then when someone treats you like you should be treated, you suddenly see it, and you think what the fuck? Why did I ever stand for that?
Unreasonable expectations for someone who would never be able to give me what I ask for. And the odd thing is that what I ask for is not unreasonable in itself. Compassion, committment, love.
Especially when someone says they love you. How can they love you and then knowingly hurt you so much?
Maybe the answer doesn't matter anymore.
I gave you all of my trust,
I told you I loved you.
Now that's all down the drain,
You put me through pain,
Now I want to let you know how I feel:
Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now,
Fuck the presents, might as well throw them out.
Fuck all those kisses, they don't mean jack,
Fuck you, you bastard, I don't want you back.
Looking back, I'm not sure why I felt like I did. Perhaps it's the power of hindsight, perhaps it's that I have someone else, perhaps it's just the passing of time.
And it's funny that at the time you don't even know that someone is treating you badly. And then when someone treats you like you should be treated, you suddenly see it, and you think what the fuck? Why did I ever stand for that?
Unreasonable expectations for someone who would never be able to give me what I ask for. And the odd thing is that what I ask for is not unreasonable in itself. Compassion, committment, love.
Especially when someone says they love you. How can they love you and then knowingly hurt you so much?
Maybe the answer doesn't matter anymore.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
I have run to the ocean through the horizon,
Chased the sun and waited for the light to come.
And at the times I would give up,
You have wrapped your arms around me,
And with your love I'll overcome.
You have loved me when I was weak,
You have given unselfishly.
Kept me from falling everywhere but to my knees.
You set me free to live my life,
You became my reason to survive the great divide,
You set me free.
I did a very very stupid thing Saturday night. Or should I say Sunday morning.
I went to someone's house at three am. And his partner was away.
Chased the sun and waited for the light to come.
And at the times I would give up,
You have wrapped your arms around me,
And with your love I'll overcome.
You have loved me when I was weak,
You have given unselfishly.
Kept me from falling everywhere but to my knees.
You set me free to live my life,
You became my reason to survive the great divide,
You set me free.
I did a very very stupid thing Saturday night. Or should I say Sunday morning.
I went to someone's house at three am. And his partner was away.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I can feel my heart, and it's fit to burst,
I try to clean it up but it just gets worse.
Wish I could fall on a night like this
Into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.
I thought I saw your face in the evening sky,
On a lonesome cloud that was drifting by.
You've got someone else, maybe it's for the best.
Seeing as I took the cure for happiness.
And I'd trade it all, for a night like this.
For your loving arms, and a moonlight kiss.
So new boy at work said to me that I must hate men.
And when I asked him why he thought that, he said it was because I had told him he wasn't my type. He said that noone is my type.
I said that I didn't think that that was right, and that I don't HATE men...he thinks it's because I've been screwed over and it's made me cautious.
Which is probably quite correct.
Moved in with Marie and Josh about a week ago. It's certainly different living with a six year old. But so far everyone is getting along just fine. We sit and talk about girly stuff and we share clothes and have fun.
It's nice.
I try to clean it up but it just gets worse.
Wish I could fall on a night like this
Into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.
I thought I saw your face in the evening sky,
On a lonesome cloud that was drifting by.
You've got someone else, maybe it's for the best.
Seeing as I took the cure for happiness.
And I'd trade it all, for a night like this.
For your loving arms, and a moonlight kiss.
So new boy at work said to me that I must hate men.
And when I asked him why he thought that, he said it was because I had told him he wasn't my type. He said that noone is my type.
I said that I didn't think that that was right, and that I don't HATE men...he thinks it's because I've been screwed over and it's made me cautious.
Which is probably quite correct.
Moved in with Marie and Josh about a week ago. It's certainly different living with a six year old. But so far everyone is getting along just fine. We sit and talk about girly stuff and we share clothes and have fun.
It's nice.
Friday, January 13, 2006
If you could read my mind what a tale my thoughts would tell;
Just like an old time movie about a ghost from a wishing well,
In a castle dark, or a fortress strong with chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free, as long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.
When you reach the part where the hero comes,
The hero would be me, but heros often fail.
I'd walk away, like a movie star who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter, number two.
A movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now love, lets be real.
Such a busy day! It seems like all I do all day is sort out people's problems. And no sooner have I finished with one thing then it's straight into the next. And it's taking all my minimal diplomacy skills to pull this all together.
Still plagued by constant headaches. Swallowing nurofen like it's lollies. Would KILL to get my hands on some codeine, but not allowed. Too addictive.
Just like an old time movie about a ghost from a wishing well,
In a castle dark, or a fortress strong with chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free, as long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.
When you reach the part where the hero comes,
The hero would be me, but heros often fail.
I'd walk away, like a movie star who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter, number two.
A movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now love, lets be real.
Such a busy day! It seems like all I do all day is sort out people's problems. And no sooner have I finished with one thing then it's straight into the next. And it's taking all my minimal diplomacy skills to pull this all together.
Still plagued by constant headaches. Swallowing nurofen like it's lollies. Would KILL to get my hands on some codeine, but not allowed. Too addictive.
Monday, January 09, 2006
I was young, but not naive,
I watched, helpless, as you turned to leave.
After all this time, I never thought we'd be here,
When my love for you was blind.
But I couldn't make you see it, that I loved you more
Than you will ever know, and part of me died
When I let you go.
I would fall asleep in hope of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before.
But nights like this are slowly fleeting;
They disappear as reality crashes to the floor.
Headache. Have had it for about a week now. Off and on.
Someone saying some odd things to me on the weekend, in the time I wasn't with Jonny... that he was tempted to take me home that weekend we went out, and he thought that I would have turned him down, and I said don't be so sure, and he said so am I in with a chance? And I reminded him that he is in a relationship, it may be with a man, but it's still a relationship. And he said he doesn't consider girls to be cheating.
And I thought well bugger me, Adam wasn't lying. Who would have thought?
And I can't help but wonder if I will ever be back to normal. At the moment, I just seem to be existing, not able to love, not feeling anything, just trapped in my own timewarp.
I watched, helpless, as you turned to leave.
After all this time, I never thought we'd be here,
When my love for you was blind.
But I couldn't make you see it, that I loved you more
Than you will ever know, and part of me died
When I let you go.
I would fall asleep in hope of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before.
But nights like this are slowly fleeting;
They disappear as reality crashes to the floor.
Headache. Have had it for about a week now. Off and on.
Someone saying some odd things to me on the weekend, in the time I wasn't with Jonny... that he was tempted to take me home that weekend we went out, and he thought that I would have turned him down, and I said don't be so sure, and he said so am I in with a chance? And I reminded him that he is in a relationship, it may be with a man, but it's still a relationship. And he said he doesn't consider girls to be cheating.
And I thought well bugger me, Adam wasn't lying. Who would have thought?
And I can't help but wonder if I will ever be back to normal. At the moment, I just seem to be existing, not able to love, not feeling anything, just trapped in my own timewarp.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Leave me here alone now;
I don't want to hear you say you know me.
Because I'm trying to get through today,
And there's one thing that I do know;
I don't want to think about you
Or think about me.
When I wake up here tomorrow,
Things will never be the same.
Because I won't wait and you won't change.
I'm going to get through today.
Check this out, it's cool!
http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php?s=1&u=g0&lang=EN&restore
Apparently I look like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Connelly. Oddly, I also look like Edvard Greig...
Spent a fair amount of time with Jonny this weekend. Sometimes I just can't be bothered being with anyone, and he's a lot of hard work...like not very reponsive, just laying there and letting me do all the work...which is okay sometimes, but sometimes I just want to be taken care of...not in a 1950's housewife kind of way, but just feel that he actually wants me...
I don't want to hear you say you know me.
Because I'm trying to get through today,
And there's one thing that I do know;
I don't want to think about you
Or think about me.
When I wake up here tomorrow,
Things will never be the same.
Because I won't wait and you won't change.
I'm going to get through today.
Check this out, it's cool!
http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php?s=1&u=g0&lang=EN&restore
Apparently I look like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Connelly. Oddly, I also look like Edvard Greig...
Spent a fair amount of time with Jonny this weekend. Sometimes I just can't be bothered being with anyone, and he's a lot of hard work...like not very reponsive, just laying there and letting me do all the work...which is okay sometimes, but sometimes I just want to be taken care of...not in a 1950's housewife kind of way, but just feel that he actually wants me...
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Tell me of the world, of how you used to dance in the rain
Like me, as a child.
Take a chance, you said. I have leapt and turned to find
You still standing upon the edge; are you afraid to jump
From the risky heights to the wonders below?
I do not understand your mind but I love you;
And I cannot take that back. My hand is my hand and that is all,
But it is attached to me. And I have leapt and not fallen.
Tell me of the world again, tell me of the lies,
And the kings and knaves.
I will listen forever.
Take my hand,
And tell me of the world.
Like me, as a child.
Take a chance, you said. I have leapt and turned to find
You still standing upon the edge; are you afraid to jump
From the risky heights to the wonders below?
I do not understand your mind but I love you;
And I cannot take that back. My hand is my hand and that is all,
But it is attached to me. And I have leapt and not fallen.
Tell me of the world again, tell me of the lies,
And the kings and knaves.
I will listen forever.
Take my hand,
And tell me of the world.
Friday, January 06, 2006
What you see isn't what you get,
With you there's no measurement.
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there.
You washed away the best of me, and you don't care.
I'm gone, to find someone to live for,
There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
Just a bridge I need to burn.
You're wrong if you think you can just walk through my door,
That's so you, coming back when I've moved on.
Nothing matters when you're broken,
That was me when I was with you.
Always ending, always over,
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster.
I'm breaking that habit today,
All I needed was the truth, and now I'm gone.
And so I have arrived at the weekend. Gasping for a day off and I don't know why. Applied for two weeks holiday today for early March.
My new teams think I'm cool. Easy going, relaxed, fun and organised were just some of the words they used to describe me. Even though this wasn't the job I would have chosen, it was still pretty damn cool to hear that. Made me think I'm not as bad as I think. And I got to spend the morning in Switch listening to Gwen Stefani singing her heart out.
It was great.
All the stuff I write, the stuff in green at the beginning of each post...it's not about anyone in particular. It's just what is there at the time.
With you there's no measurement.
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there.
You washed away the best of me, and you don't care.
I'm gone, to find someone to live for,
There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
Just a bridge I need to burn.
You're wrong if you think you can just walk through my door,
That's so you, coming back when I've moved on.
Nothing matters when you're broken,
That was me when I was with you.
Always ending, always over,
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster.
I'm breaking that habit today,
All I needed was the truth, and now I'm gone.
And so I have arrived at the weekend. Gasping for a day off and I don't know why. Applied for two weeks holiday today for early March.
My new teams think I'm cool. Easy going, relaxed, fun and organised were just some of the words they used to describe me. Even though this wasn't the job I would have chosen, it was still pretty damn cool to hear that. Made me think I'm not as bad as I think. And I got to spend the morning in Switch listening to Gwen Stefani singing her heart out.
It was great.
All the stuff I write, the stuff in green at the beginning of each post...it's not about anyone in particular. It's just what is there at the time.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I don't believe in the smile you leave me with
When you walk away from me.
I don't expect the world to move underneath me
But for God's sake, could you try?
Is it so hard to give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed, that's all I'm asking for.
I don't understand how you can be so cold,
It's always me who's reaching out for your hand.
I'd always dream that love would be easy.
Is it so hard to give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed that's all I'm asking for.
Such a strange few weeks...I'm not kidding when I say I always get what I want. And so many things lately that I've wanted, I haven't got. Never likely to get, in fact. And I can't even say that it's been a learning curve, because I don't actually think I've learnt anything. I've just been angry, upset and frustrated. And all of this has culminated in a massive migraine that has me puking my guts up constantly.
Great.
I just want to curl up by myself and forget about the world. Forget that I exist and pretend like nothing matters. Adam always laughs at the way I hibernate, but he's right. I do hibernate when things get tough. And it's something that's probably never going to change.
I've slept for most of today...when I haven't been hurling, that is. And now I'm half awake, feeling groggy, and not at all inclined to get up and do some work.
I need chocolate.
When you walk away from me.
I don't expect the world to move underneath me
But for God's sake, could you try?
Is it so hard to give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed, that's all I'm asking for.
I don't understand how you can be so cold,
It's always me who's reaching out for your hand.
I'd always dream that love would be easy.
Is it so hard to give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed that's all I'm asking for.
Such a strange few weeks...I'm not kidding when I say I always get what I want. And so many things lately that I've wanted, I haven't got. Never likely to get, in fact. And I can't even say that it's been a learning curve, because I don't actually think I've learnt anything. I've just been angry, upset and frustrated. And all of this has culminated in a massive migraine that has me puking my guts up constantly.
Great.
I just want to curl up by myself and forget about the world. Forget that I exist and pretend like nothing matters. Adam always laughs at the way I hibernate, but he's right. I do hibernate when things get tough. And it's something that's probably never going to change.
I've slept for most of today...when I haven't been hurling, that is. And now I'm half awake, feeling groggy, and not at all inclined to get up and do some work.
I need chocolate.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Hold up, hold on; don't be scared.
You'll never change what's been and gone.
May your smile shine on; don't be scared.
Your destiny may keep you warm.
And all of the stars are fading away,
Try not to worry, you'll see them some day.
Take what you need, and be on your way;
And stop crying your heart out.
Stop crying your heart out.
I can't do this anymore. I hate my job. I've never felt like this about my job before...sure sometimes I didn't like that much, but now I really really hate it. And I think that what makes it worse is that I don't want to be store manager anymore. I'm not hard enough, I'm not like Shelly and Michaela, and I don't want to be. I don't want to get so tough that I forget how to be nice to people or lose sight of who I am.
So that's it. Now my job really is dead end... and I'm the one who made it that way. And I don't even know if I care.
I don't want to get out of bed anymore on a workday. I don't want to GO to work. And when I'm there I can't wait for the walk home. It's all I look forward to while I'm at work. Walking home through the University and the Gardens while the sky slowly turns a dark ominous grey above me has become one of my greatest pleasures.
I don't know if I want to actively look for another job...maybe if one happens along I'd consider it, but it's not like there's years to go before I head off, so I don't think it's worth it.
And he doesn't love me.
Insult, meet injury...
I was not prepared for that. And to make it worse, I don't know if he says it because he really truly doesn't love me, or whether he says it because he doesn't want me waiting for him. I wish he'd understand that I'm not waiting for him, I'm going out with other people (in fact I'm going out with Jonny on Thursday night) but I'm willing to try again with him if and when we're both in same country at the same time. And maybe he's not willing to do that, I don't know.
But it makes it harder for me, because I don't know if he really means it or if he's just saying it because he doesn't want me to wait. And as long as I think it's the latter, I'm stuck. I just want the truth, not what he thinks is the best thing for me to hear.
I'm the one who should decide what's best for me.
And I'm actually sorry for the things I said about Katharine. I'm sure she's a lovely person, I was just angry that she was taking you away from me (again). And to be fair, I suspect that she has said or thought some fairly nasty things about me at some stage.
You'll never change what's been and gone.
May your smile shine on; don't be scared.
Your destiny may keep you warm.
And all of the stars are fading away,
Try not to worry, you'll see them some day.
Take what you need, and be on your way;
And stop crying your heart out.
Stop crying your heart out.
I can't do this anymore. I hate my job. I've never felt like this about my job before...sure sometimes I didn't like that much, but now I really really hate it. And I think that what makes it worse is that I don't want to be store manager anymore. I'm not hard enough, I'm not like Shelly and Michaela, and I don't want to be. I don't want to get so tough that I forget how to be nice to people or lose sight of who I am.
So that's it. Now my job really is dead end... and I'm the one who made it that way. And I don't even know if I care.
I don't want to get out of bed anymore on a workday. I don't want to GO to work. And when I'm there I can't wait for the walk home. It's all I look forward to while I'm at work. Walking home through the University and the Gardens while the sky slowly turns a dark ominous grey above me has become one of my greatest pleasures.
I don't know if I want to actively look for another job...maybe if one happens along I'd consider it, but it's not like there's years to go before I head off, so I don't think it's worth it.
And he doesn't love me.
Insult, meet injury...
I was not prepared for that. And to make it worse, I don't know if he says it because he really truly doesn't love me, or whether he says it because he doesn't want me waiting for him. I wish he'd understand that I'm not waiting for him, I'm going out with other people (in fact I'm going out with Jonny on Thursday night) but I'm willing to try again with him if and when we're both in same country at the same time. And maybe he's not willing to do that, I don't know.
But it makes it harder for me, because I don't know if he really means it or if he's just saying it because he doesn't want me to wait. And as long as I think it's the latter, I'm stuck. I just want the truth, not what he thinks is the best thing for me to hear.
I'm the one who should decide what's best for me.
And I'm actually sorry for the things I said about Katharine. I'm sure she's a lovely person, I was just angry that she was taking you away from me (again). And to be fair, I suspect that she has said or thought some fairly nasty things about me at some stage.
Monday, January 02, 2006
There's a new wind blowing like I've never known;
I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done before.
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do.
I want to love somebody, somebody like you.
I'm letting go of all my lonely yesterdays,
And forgiving myself all those mistakes I made.
And now the only thing I want to do
Is love somebody like you.
I used to run in circles going nowhere fast,
I'd take one step forward and two steps back.
I couldn't walk in a straight line even if I tried.
But now, I want to love somebody,
I want to love somebody like you.
This is what I honestly think:
That I am ugly. That I am a horrible person. That I am so unattractive people can't even bear to look at me.
That he left because he hated me, because he couldn't stand me anymore, that he wasn't attracted to me, that he thinks I'm ugly.
This what I'm afraid of:
That I will always be ugly, that I will only get more so. That I will always be alone, that my fear will keep me shackled to one place my entire life. That I will end up raising an army of cats.
That I will be a mad smelly cat lady and small children will be afraid of me.
I do not understand why he does not love me. I can't comprehend it.
I don't understand why noone is attracted to me. Am I smelly already?
I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done before.
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do.
I want to love somebody, somebody like you.
I'm letting go of all my lonely yesterdays,
And forgiving myself all those mistakes I made.
And now the only thing I want to do
Is love somebody like you.
I used to run in circles going nowhere fast,
I'd take one step forward and two steps back.
I couldn't walk in a straight line even if I tried.
But now, I want to love somebody,
I want to love somebody like you.
This is what I honestly think:
That I am ugly. That I am a horrible person. That I am so unattractive people can't even bear to look at me.
That he left because he hated me, because he couldn't stand me anymore, that he wasn't attracted to me, that he thinks I'm ugly.
This what I'm afraid of:
That I will always be ugly, that I will only get more so. That I will always be alone, that my fear will keep me shackled to one place my entire life. That I will end up raising an army of cats.
That I will be a mad smelly cat lady and small children will be afraid of me.
I do not understand why he does not love me. I can't comprehend it.
I don't understand why noone is attracted to me. Am I smelly already?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
This year is going to be incredible.
This year is going to be the one.
All the planets are lining up for me.
This year I'm going to have fun.
This year I'll paint my masterpiece,
This year I'll be recognised.
I feel like I'll fall in love for real.
This year, this year...
This year I'll reach the pinnacle,
This year I'll get to the top.
This year I'm never going to stop.
What a year it's been.
I've loved and lost the same man twice. I've been needlessly and callously cruel to a woman who only wanted the same thing I did. I've hated myself, I've hated others. I've behaved selfishly and irresponsibly. I've been to Hell and back and survived to tell the tale.
I've kissed a gay man, I've slept with someone I thought was my soulmate, I've slept with three workmates, I've slept with someone else's man and I've slept with someone who doesn't give a shit about me.
I've loved my body, I've hated my body. I've lost three dress sizes in the process. I stood on a cliff and wanted to throw myself off. I counted bottles of sleeping pills and anti anxiety pills and wanted to take them all at once. I've discovered such an intense self loathing that I no longer wanted to exist.
I went on a journey of self discovery- and didn't like what I discovered.
I shouted at work, I screamed at work, I cried at work. I gained a team, lost a team and gained a team. I discovered allies in the strangest of places. I handed in my resignation twice. I applied for a promotion and didn't get it. I got a job I didn't want. I built two teams up from nothing.
I wrote a poem a day. They were all crap. I began collecting Terry Pratchett books. I read Simon Schaema, Ernst Hemingway and Edna St. Vincent. I fell in love with Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes. I've formed a life long bond with crappy chick lit books. I've held my three hour old nephew in my arms for hours. I've watched him learn to roll over, to sit up and the beginnings of a crawl. I've felt like my heart would burst with love for this helpless little thing.
I stayed home, I went out, I got pissed and stoned and out of my tree. I drunk and smoked away anything that caused me pain, only to have it resurface later. I tried so hard to avoid being me that I fell into a black hole, and came out the other side, still me.
I once smoked two packs of cigarrettes in two hours.
I've bought a plane ticket to the other side of the world.
I've cried so long and so hard my face and eyes swelled up and I couldn't see. I've covered my face with my hands and wept into them. I've cried a river, over and over and over. I cried so long and hard I was sent home from work. I've cried at a party, I've cried at a friend's birthday, I've cried in the middle of a sunny field surrounded by people who loved me.
I've laughed at nothing, I've laughed at everything. I've laughed so hard my face ached. I've laughed at my workmates, at my friends, at my family. I've laughed at a Power Ranger in a sofa that only I could see. I've laughed at myself.
I've been loved, I've been hurt, I've been used. I've been a mother, a saint, a slut and a lover.
I've lost more than I ever thought possible- and gained more than I ever dreamed. I got nothing I asked for, but everything I needed.
This year is going to be the one.
All the planets are lining up for me.
This year I'm going to have fun.
This year I'll paint my masterpiece,
This year I'll be recognised.
I feel like I'll fall in love for real.
This year, this year...
This year I'll reach the pinnacle,
This year I'll get to the top.
This year I'm never going to stop.
What a year it's been.
I've loved and lost the same man twice. I've been needlessly and callously cruel to a woman who only wanted the same thing I did. I've hated myself, I've hated others. I've behaved selfishly and irresponsibly. I've been to Hell and back and survived to tell the tale.
I've kissed a gay man, I've slept with someone I thought was my soulmate, I've slept with three workmates, I've slept with someone else's man and I've slept with someone who doesn't give a shit about me.
I've loved my body, I've hated my body. I've lost three dress sizes in the process. I stood on a cliff and wanted to throw myself off. I counted bottles of sleeping pills and anti anxiety pills and wanted to take them all at once. I've discovered such an intense self loathing that I no longer wanted to exist.
I went on a journey of self discovery- and didn't like what I discovered.
I shouted at work, I screamed at work, I cried at work. I gained a team, lost a team and gained a team. I discovered allies in the strangest of places. I handed in my resignation twice. I applied for a promotion and didn't get it. I got a job I didn't want. I built two teams up from nothing.
I wrote a poem a day. They were all crap. I began collecting Terry Pratchett books. I read Simon Schaema, Ernst Hemingway and Edna St. Vincent. I fell in love with Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes. I've formed a life long bond with crappy chick lit books. I've held my three hour old nephew in my arms for hours. I've watched him learn to roll over, to sit up and the beginnings of a crawl. I've felt like my heart would burst with love for this helpless little thing.
I stayed home, I went out, I got pissed and stoned and out of my tree. I drunk and smoked away anything that caused me pain, only to have it resurface later. I tried so hard to avoid being me that I fell into a black hole, and came out the other side, still me.
I once smoked two packs of cigarrettes in two hours.
I've bought a plane ticket to the other side of the world.
I've cried so long and so hard my face and eyes swelled up and I couldn't see. I've covered my face with my hands and wept into them. I've cried a river, over and over and over. I cried so long and hard I was sent home from work. I've cried at a party, I've cried at a friend's birthday, I've cried in the middle of a sunny field surrounded by people who loved me.
I've laughed at nothing, I've laughed at everything. I've laughed so hard my face ached. I've laughed at my workmates, at my friends, at my family. I've laughed at a Power Ranger in a sofa that only I could see. I've laughed at myself.
I've been loved, I've been hurt, I've been used. I've been a mother, a saint, a slut and a lover.
I've lost more than I ever thought possible- and gained more than I ever dreamed. I got nothing I asked for, but everything I needed.
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