I have run to the ocean through the horizon,
Chased the sun and waited for the light to come.
And at the times I would give up,
You have wrapped your arms around me,
And with your love I'll overcome.
You have loved me when I was weak,
You have given unselfishly.
Kept me from falling everywhere but to my knees.
You set me free to live my life,
You became my reason to survive the great divide,
You set me free.


I did a very very stupid thing Saturday night. Or should I say Sunday morning.

I went to someone's house at three am. And his partner was away.

I can feel my heart, and it's fit to burst,
I try to clean it up but it just gets worse.
Wish I could fall on a night like this
Into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.
I thought I saw your face in the evening sky,
On a lonesome cloud that was drifting by.
You've got someone else, maybe it's for the best.
Seeing as I took the cure for happiness.
And I'd trade it all, for a night like this.
For your loving arms, and a moonlight kiss.


So new boy at work said to me that I must hate men.

And when I asked him why he thought that, he said it was because I had told him he wasn't my type. He said that noone is my type.

I said that I didn't think that that was right, and that I don't HATE men...he thinks it's because I've been screwed over and it's made me cautious.

Which is probably quite correct.

Moved in with Marie and Josh about a week ago. It's certainly different living with a six year old. But so far everyone is getting along just fine. We sit and talk about girly stuff and we share clothes and have fun.

It's nice.

If you could read my mind what a tale my thoughts would tell;
Just like an old time movie about a ghost from a wishing well,
In a castle dark, or a fortress strong with chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free, as long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.
When you reach the part where the hero comes,
The hero would be me, but heros often fail.
I'd walk away, like a movie star who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter, number two.
A movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now love, lets be real.


Such a busy day! It seems like all I do all day is sort out people's problems. And no sooner have I finished with one thing then it's straight into the next. And it's taking all my minimal diplomacy skills to pull this all together.

Still plagued by constant headaches. Swallowing nurofen like it's lollies. Would KILL to get my hands on some codeine, but not allowed. Too addictive.

I was young, but not naive,
I watched, helpless, as you turned to leave.
After all this time, I never thought we'd be here,
When my love for you was blind.
But I couldn't make you see it, that I loved you more
Than you will ever know, and part of me died
When I let you go.
I would fall asleep in hope of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before.
But nights like this are slowly fleeting;
They disappear as reality crashes to the floor.


Headache. Have had it for about a week now. Off and on.

Someone saying some odd things to me on the weekend, in the time I wasn't with Jonny... that he was tempted to take me home that weekend we went out, and he thought that I would have turned him down, and I said don't be so sure, and he said so am I in with a chance? And I reminded him that he is in a relationship, it may be with a man, but it's still a relationship. And he said he doesn't consider girls to be cheating.

And I thought well bugger me, Adam wasn't lying. Who would have thought?

And I can't help but wonder if I will ever be back to normal. At the moment, I just seem to be existing, not able to love, not feeling anything, just trapped in my own timewarp.

Leave me here alone now;
I don't want to hear you say you know me.
Because I'm trying to get through today,
And there's one thing that I do know;
I don't want to think about you
Or think about me.
When I wake up here tomorrow,
Things will never be the same.
Because I won't wait and you won't change.
I'm going to get through today.

Check this out, it's cool!

http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php?s=1&u=g0&lang=EN&restore

Apparently I look like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Connelly. Oddly, I also look like Edvard Greig...

Spent a fair amount of time with Jonny this weekend. Sometimes I just can't be bothered being with anyone, and he's a lot of hard work...like not very reponsive, just laying there and letting me do all the work...which is okay sometimes, but sometimes I just want to be taken care of...not in a 1950's housewife kind of way, but just feel that he actually wants me...

Tell me of the world, of how you used to dance in the rain
Like me, as a child.
Take a chance, you said. I have leapt and turned to find
You still standing upon the edge; are you afraid to jump
From the risky heights to the wonders below?
I do not understand your mind but I love you;
And I cannot take that back. My hand is my hand and that is all,
But it is attached to me. And I have leapt and not fallen.
Tell me of the world again, tell me of the lies,
And the kings and knaves.
I will listen forever.
Take my hand,
And tell me of the world.

What you see isn't what you get,
With you there's no measurement.
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there.
You washed away the best of me, and you don't care.
I'm gone, to find someone to live for,
There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
Just a bridge I need to burn.
You're wrong if you think you can just walk through my door,
That's so you, coming back when I've moved on.
Nothing matters when you're broken,
That was me when I was with you.
Always ending, always over,
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster.
I'm breaking that habit today,
All I needed was the truth, and now I'm gone.


And so I have arrived at the weekend. Gasping for a day off and I don't know why. Applied for two weeks holiday today for early March.

My new teams think I'm cool. Easy going, relaxed, fun and organised were just some of the words they used to describe me. Even though this wasn't the job I would have chosen, it was still pretty damn cool to hear that. Made me think I'm not as bad as I think. And I got to spend the morning in Switch listening to Gwen Stefani singing her heart out.

It was great.

All the stuff I write, the stuff in green at the beginning of each post...it's not about anyone in particular. It's just what is there at the time.

I don't believe in the smile you leave me with
When you walk away from me.
I don't expect the world to move underneath me
But for God's sake, could you try?
Is it so hard to give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed, that's all I'm asking for.
I don't understand how you can be so cold,
It's always me who's reaching out for your hand.
I'd always dream that love would be easy.
Is it so hard to give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed that's all I'm asking for.


Such a strange few weeks...I'm not kidding when I say I always get what I want. And so many things lately that I've wanted, I haven't got. Never likely to get, in fact. And I can't even say that it's been a learning curve, because I don't actually think I've learnt anything. I've just been angry, upset and frustrated. And all of this has culminated in a massive migraine that has me puking my guts up constantly.

Great.

I just want to curl up by myself and forget about the world. Forget that I exist and pretend like nothing matters. Adam always laughs at the way I hibernate, but he's right. I do hibernate when things get tough. And it's something that's probably never going to change.

I've slept for most of today...when I haven't been hurling, that is. And now I'm half awake, feeling groggy, and not at all inclined to get up and do some work.

I need chocolate.

Hold up, hold on; don't be scared.
You'll never change what's been and gone.
May your smile shine on; don't be scared.
Your destiny may keep you warm.
And all of the stars are fading away,
Try not to worry, you'll see them some day.
Take what you need, and be on your way;
And stop crying your heart out.
Stop crying your heart out.


I can't do this anymore. I hate my job. I've never felt like this about my job before...sure sometimes I didn't like that much, but now I really really hate it. And I think that what makes it worse is that I don't want to be store manager anymore. I'm not hard enough, I'm not like Shelly and Michaela, and I don't want to be. I don't want to get so tough that I forget how to be nice to people or lose sight of who I am.

So that's it. Now my job really is dead end... and I'm the one who made it that way. And I don't even know if I care.

I don't want to get out of bed anymore on a workday. I don't want to GO to work. And when I'm there I can't wait for the walk home. It's all I look forward to while I'm at work. Walking home through the University and the Gardens while the sky slowly turns a dark ominous grey above me has become one of my greatest pleasures.

I don't know if I want to actively look for another job...maybe if one happens along I'd consider it, but it's not like there's years to go before I head off, so I don't think it's worth it.

And he doesn't love me.

Insult, meet injury...

I was not prepared for that. And to make it worse, I don't know if he says it because he really truly doesn't love me, or whether he says it because he doesn't want me waiting for him. I wish he'd understand that I'm not waiting for him, I'm going out with other people (in fact I'm going out with Jonny on Thursday night) but I'm willing to try again with him if and when we're both in same country at the same time. And maybe he's not willing to do that, I don't know.

But it makes it harder for me, because I don't know if he really means it or if he's just saying it because he doesn't want me to wait. And as long as I think it's the latter, I'm stuck. I just want the truth, not what he thinks is the best thing for me to hear.

I'm the one who should decide what's best for me.

And I'm actually sorry for the things I said about Katharine. I'm sure she's a lovely person, I was just angry that she was taking you away from me (again). And to be fair, I suspect that she has said or thought some fairly nasty things about me at some stage.

There's a new wind blowing like I've never known;
I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done before.
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do.
I want to love somebody, somebody like you.
I'm letting go of all my lonely yesterdays,
And forgiving myself all those mistakes I made.
And now the only thing I want to do
Is love somebody like you.
I used to run in circles going nowhere fast,
I'd take one step forward and two steps back.
I couldn't walk in a straight line even if I tried.
But now, I want to love somebody,
I want to love somebody like you.


This is what I honestly think:

That I am ugly. That I am a horrible person. That I am so unattractive people can't even bear to look at me.

That he left because he hated me, because he couldn't stand me anymore, that he wasn't attracted to me, that he thinks I'm ugly.

This what I'm afraid of:

That I will always be ugly, that I will only get more so. That I will always be alone, that my fear will keep me shackled to one place my entire life. That I will end up raising an army of cats.

That I will be a mad smelly cat lady and small children will be afraid of me.

I do not understand why he does not love me. I can't comprehend it.

I don't understand why noone is attracted to me. Am I smelly already?

This year is going to be incredible.
This year is going to be the one.
All the planets are lining up for me.
This year I'm going to have fun.
This year I'll paint my masterpiece,
This year I'll be recognised.
I feel like I'll fall in love for real.
This year, this year...
This year I'll reach the pinnacle,
This year I'll get to the top.
This year I'm never going to stop.

What a year it's been.

I've loved and lost the same man twice. I've been needlessly and callously cruel to a woman who only wanted the same thing I did. I've hated myself, I've hated others. I've behaved selfishly and irresponsibly. I've been to Hell and back and survived to tell the tale.

I've kissed a gay man, I've slept with someone I thought was my soulmate, I've slept with three workmates, I've slept with someone else's man and I've slept with someone who doesn't give a shit about me.

I've loved my body, I've hated my body. I've lost three dress sizes in the process. I stood on a cliff and wanted to throw myself off. I counted bottles of sleeping pills and anti anxiety pills and wanted to take them all at once. I've discovered such an intense self loathing that I no longer wanted to exist.

I went on a journey of self discovery- and didn't like what I discovered.

I shouted at work, I screamed at work, I cried at work. I gained a team, lost a team and gained a team. I discovered allies in the strangest of places. I handed in my resignation twice. I applied for a promotion and didn't get it. I got a job I didn't want. I built two teams up from nothing.

I wrote a poem a day. They were all crap. I began collecting Terry Pratchett books. I read Simon Schaema, Ernst Hemingway and Edna St. Vincent. I fell in love with Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes. I've formed a life long bond with crappy chick lit books. I've held my three hour old nephew in my arms for hours. I've watched him learn to roll over, to sit up and the beginnings of a crawl. I've felt like my heart would burst with love for this helpless little thing.

I stayed home, I went out, I got pissed and stoned and out of my tree. I drunk and smoked away anything that caused me pain, only to have it resurface later. I tried so hard to avoid being me that I fell into a black hole, and came out the other side, still me.

I once smoked two packs of cigarrettes in two hours.

I've bought a plane ticket to the other side of the world.

I've cried so long and so hard my face and eyes swelled up and I couldn't see. I've covered my face with my hands and wept into them. I've cried a river, over and over and over. I cried so long and hard I was sent home from work. I've cried at a party, I've cried at a friend's birthday, I've cried in the middle of a sunny field surrounded by people who loved me.

I've laughed at nothing, I've laughed at everything. I've laughed so hard my face ached. I've laughed at my workmates, at my friends, at my family. I've laughed at a Power Ranger in a sofa that only I could see. I've laughed at myself.

I've been loved, I've been hurt, I've been used. I've been a mother, a saint, a slut and a lover.

I've lost more than I ever thought possible- and gained more than I ever dreamed. I got nothing I asked for, but everything I needed.