Just before our love got lost,
You said, I am as constant as a northern star.
And I said, constantly in darkness
If you want me I'll be in the bar.

You are in my blood like holy wine,
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet.
And I could drink a case of you,
And still be on my feet.

I remember that time you told me
Love is touching souls.
Surely you touched mine
Because part of you pours out of me.
In these lines from time to time.

Such a good day. Spent it by myself, except for a few hours when I saw Reece. He brought me chocolate (as usual). Good boy :)

Belinda was in work the other day. If looks could kill... And I remembered that time, when she was determined to get her hands on Reece, and I was seeing him, and how much she interfered, and then I found out that she and him were seeing each other. Funny that she blamed me and I blamed her, when we probably should have been blaming Reece. Maybe he's grown up since then...

Still nothing from Julian. I agree with Sarah- I would have thought he'd have cracked by now too. And I had a moment today when I checked my emails and there was still nothing from him, and I thought oh my god what have I done. Then I remembered that it was for the best, and I was okay again.

I have to say I'm fairly impressed with how well I'm taking this. Even just a few weeks ago I couldn't imagine my life without him in it, and now he's gone and I was so rude to him there's no way he's coming back, and I don't feel a loss, not really. I've lost my soulmate and my best friend, and it doesn't hurt as much as I thought.

Well, maybe the losing my best friend bit hurts. There's noone else I would tell the things I told him. I told him so many secrets, things that had happened to me in the past, and he, like a true best friend, listened and threatened the sorry mongrels who had hurt me.

Who would have thought that he would end up being the sorriest mongrel of them all?

I'm so afraid to love you, but less afraid to lose,
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night,
You gave me everything you had, you gave me light.
And I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by.

I feel SO much better!

I do still feel just a little sad that he's gone and it's SO over, but the relief and happiness far outweighs the sadness. Sarah said to me has he contacted you yet, and I said no and she said that she was so sure he would have cracked by now. And to be honest, so was I. And the fact that he hasn't come anywhere near me, while I know that it's a good thing, makes me more aware that it's over.

So. Looking forward.

I hope life's been good to you since you've been gone,
I'm doing fine now I've finally moved on.
It's not so bad; I'm not so sad.
I'm not surprised just how well I survived,
I'm over the worst and I feel so alive.
I can't complain, I'm free again.

Don't think I'm lying round crying at night,
There's no need to worry, I'm really alright.
I won't look back, as a matter of fact.

I don't think he'll ever talk to me again after what I said to him on Wednesday night. I was over him anyway, and I rung Adam to tell him that, and had a little dance because I was so happy that I was over him. I had rung his mum in Wanaka that evening, because his emails to me were getting more than a little odd...like saying he hates himself, his life's a failure, he tried to kill himself before he left for Scotland, that sort of thing.

I couldn't carry that burden anymore. I couldn't stop thinking that if something happened to him, then I would never forgive myself for letting it happen. I didn't want to ruin the rest of my life. And I knew it was over then, because if I still wanted him, I would have kept his secrets. I knew he'd be angry. So I rung his mother and told her,and she said that she didn't know it was that bad, and she would ring him this weekend. She must have rung him straight away, because he rung me from Scotland not too long after I'd rung her.

And I don't even feel bad! I feel so relieved that he's gone, I seriously should have done this months ago. And even though he said to me on Wednesday that he still loves me, I didn't weaken. Woo hoo me!

So he's gone, it's done and dusted, the ghost has been laid. I just wish it had been me.

I feel strong. Standing alone without crutches. I am me. A woman, an adult. A lost sheep. A found sheep. A survivor.

I've lived to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust;
Now all that's left are fruitless fires
That burn my empty heart to dust

And we're back where we started.

Sitting here every night waiting for the sacred email to come through. I love him so much, but I don't know if this is worth it.

I really don't.

And on the plus side James is now single. I could still have a professor... :)

Nah, I wouldn't touch James after Mary had her grubbly whiny little hands all over him. He's spoiled goods :)

I walked beside the evening sea
And dreamed a dream that could not be;
The waves that plunged along the shore
Said only: "Dreamer, dream no more!"

I know what I want to do is very very naughty. I want to wait for him again. I know I should forget all about him and get on with my life, but those emails...I can't just let him go. .

I know what I SHOULD do about Julian. But I also know what I WANT to do, and it's not what I should do. Weighing it up though...what's more important? The next twelve months or the next fifty years? Should I be miserable without for twelve months and then be delieriously happy for the next fifty years?

I have loved many, the more and the few -
I have loved many that I might love you.

Julian emailed me tonight, said he's been in Barcelona for a week, by himself.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied.
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his boot or shone his face I say,
"There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

It really is the end now. Moving on without him, and he doesn't even know it.

However, I have the feeling that I can be happy with someone else, if I choose to be. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, but feel that in a year or so, the time might be right.

And it helps that other people have been through this before me. It IS survivable, no matter how I might think otherwise. Not that many people are stupid enough to let this happen twice, and damned if I'm going to let it happen a third time.

It's over, he's gone and he's not coming back.

And I don't want him back.

Progress!!

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying.

I am so tired of being the victim here. True victim mentality.

And you know what? I'm GLAD that I won't be subjected to a life of wondering what my husband is up to behind closed doors. .

And I'm moving in with Marie fairly soon.

And he wouldn't know where to find me if he was ever so inclined.

So there.

I believe that if I should die
And you were to walk near my grave,
From the very depths of the earth
I would hear your footsteps.

I can't help but wonder why he ever came near me again. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. We both knew it was over, that we might have loved each once and perhaps we still did, but our lives had moved on. At least mine had. Briefly.

And all that BULLSHIT about how attractive he thought I was, that YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL text, that email that told me exactly how beautiful he thought I was...it was all lies.

And that's not an assumption I'm making because I do think I'm ugly; I know he was lying to me because I can guarantee he was saying the same things to Katharine at the same time.

Plain, dull, pasty Katharine. Katharine, who even though she knew me and was friends with me and had spoken to me many times in the past and had laughed with me over silly jokes and who I liked and thought I could trust...Katharine thought it was appropriate to lure my boyfriend to a deserted villa in the Italian mountains and seduce him.

Katharine who was a virgin, who had never even kissed a man before. Katharine who used those facts to hold onto him, saying that she gave herself to him thinking he would be with her forever. Lies. She had no moral reasoning for still being a virgin at the age of twenty eight; merely that she had never found anyone who was interested in her.

And yes, I am aware that I'm being a cow.

I think all that anger is currrently being redirected at Katharine.

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me:
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree.
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet:
And if thou wilt, remember
And if thou wilt, forget.

So I've spent most of the day so far lying in bed. I'm really making the most of this holiday.

I bought a tiny little pair of Chucks for Finn for Christmas. Awwww so cute! Even the smallest pair will be too big for him, but he'll grow into them. Right? Right? Well, maybe not for another year or so. But they were just so cute!

I think I need to get up out of bed, go have a shower and then DO something with the day. At least until Jonny turns up tonight.

When I am dead, and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken hearted,
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace.
As leafy trees are peaceful when rain bends down the bough.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now.

Can't sleep, can't sleep. I keep thinking of everything I want to do when I get back to work, how I want to try to make things a little more pleasant again. I honestly did not realise that things had gotten so awful amongst us, that everyone hated me and wished I'd go away.

I knew that I was not the same person that I was before Julian left. I thought that I was still functioning as normal, even though I knew I was sad.

Obviously not.

I just wish I could stop thinking of him. Everyone expects me to be over him, but he's only been gone ten days. How can I wipe out seven years in ten days?

Goodbye, my friend, goodbye my love,
You are forever in my heart.
It was preordained we should part,
And be reunited by and by.
Goodbye: no handshake to endure.
Let's have no sadness -- furrowed brow.
There's nothing new in dying now, though living is no newer.

Slowly working my way through my feelings and thoughts...as every emotion under the sun has bubbled out of me in no particular order, I guess I should just be thankful for those who have stood by me through this, and have made it their personal business to not walk away from me.

Maybe there will be someone else, somewhere, who I'll fall in love with, but I cannot comprehend that at this time.

What kills me the most is thinking of the wedding we'll never have, the children we'll never have. We'll never grow old together or move to New York or own our own house, plant our own garden, raise our children on our farm. We'll never move to Ireland and open our own pub. We won't share our lives and friends. I won't become better friends with Natalie and share dresses. I won't drink Rachael under the table. I won't ever again make fun of James and TAG. We won't ever again roll around on the floor gasping for air between fits of laughter. We won't ever be sweet and gentle towards each other again. He will never again brush my hair for hours and then continue to stroke it and twist it around his fingers. We will never again be in love.

I thought I shook myself free,
I bounce back quicker than most.
But I'm half delirious, you're too mysterious,
You walk through my walls like a ghost.
We haven't spoken in months,I've been counting the days.
I act like an addict, I've just got to have it,
I can never just leave it alone.

I must admit, I didn't think it would be incredibly hard to get over him. I miss him every single minute of every single day. I must have really loved this one.

Jonny's coming to see me tomorrow night. Reece came round today and brought me chocolate. He asked how I was, and when I said poos and wees he looked surprised and said that he didn't think I actually loved Julian. Newsflash. I did. And I do. Watch me cry.

And when it starts to interfere with work, it's not funny, no way. If I was in any way inclined to find the humour in this, which I'm not at the moment. And I'm so tired of people saying to me it'll be okay, plenty more fish in the sea...because you know what? I don't want any more fish, if I can't have that one.

I wonder if he's back living with Katharine. I know he said he was going to be staying with Bridget, but I can't help wondering how long that would last. The thing is, I kindof can see the light at the end of the tunnel here, and think that I'm better off without him...but for seven years, it's been HIM. When we couldn't stop talking, when there wasn't enough time in the world for all the things we wanted to talk about.

But I can also remember the silences, the forgotten phonecalls, the jealousy, the withdrawal of himself and his emotions, the broken promises, taking me just because he could.

Perhaps the whole episode was just a disaster. Although I'm not entirely sure of the purpose that it's served. I merely hope Karma come back and bites him in the ass.