Hold up, hold on; don't be scared.
You'll never change what's been and gone.
May your smile shine on; don't be scared.
Your destiny may keep you warm.
And all of the stars are fading away,
Try not to worry, you'll see them some day.
Take what you need, and be on your way;
And stop crying your heart out.
Stop crying your heart out.


I can't do this anymore. I hate my job. I've never felt like this about my job before...sure sometimes I didn't like that much, but now I really really hate it. And I think that what makes it worse is that I don't want to be store manager anymore. I'm not hard enough, I'm not like Shelly and Michaela, and I don't want to be. I don't want to get so tough that I forget how to be nice to people or lose sight of who I am.

So that's it. Now my job really is dead end... and I'm the one who made it that way. And I don't even know if I care.

I don't want to get out of bed anymore on a workday. I don't want to GO to work. And when I'm there I can't wait for the walk home. It's all I look forward to while I'm at work. Walking home through the University and the Gardens while the sky slowly turns a dark ominous grey above me has become one of my greatest pleasures.

I don't know if I want to actively look for another job...maybe if one happens along I'd consider it, but it's not like there's years to go before I head off, so I don't think it's worth it.

And he doesn't love me.

Insult, meet injury...

I was not prepared for that. And to make it worse, I don't know if he says it because he really truly doesn't love me, or whether he says it because he doesn't want me waiting for him. I wish he'd understand that I'm not waiting for him, I'm going out with other people (in fact I'm going out with Jonny on Thursday night) but I'm willing to try again with him if and when we're both in same country at the same time. And maybe he's not willing to do that, I don't know.

But it makes it harder for me, because I don't know if he really means it or if he's just saying it because he doesn't want me to wait. And as long as I think it's the latter, I'm stuck. I just want the truth, not what he thinks is the best thing for me to hear.

I'm the one who should decide what's best for me.

And I'm actually sorry for the things I said about Katharine. I'm sure she's a lovely person, I was just angry that she was taking you away from me (again). And to be fair, I suspect that she has said or thought some fairly nasty things about me at some stage.