New Year's Eve

In a previous life, I used to go out on New Year's Eve. I never had a particularly good time- high expectations mixed with copious amounts of alcohol are always going to equal an epic fail. But now I have children, New Year's Eve has been spent at home...usually asleep long before the magic hour. And this year is no different. All three children are asleep and have been for hours. My husband is playing GTA and I'm in bed.

There was a conversation this evening about children. I love having children. I would have many many more if I could. We were having a conversation I never thought would take place and that was discussing having more babies. I am well aware that my husband doesn't want any more babies, and yet we were talking about it so logically- where we would put another one, how would we afford it- that I actually started to think it might become a reality. Then when I realised the conversation was completely arbitrary, my heart broke. I could feel my eyes start to prickle with tears and I was trying to hold them back.

Logically, I know that we are done having babies. But I think as a mother, that is a very hard thing to accept. There is so much love, so much happiness in children and the love that you feel for your own child far surpasses any other love. I was made to be a mother and the knowledge that I will never have another child is tearing me apart tonight.