I was in love with a man once. His name was Julian and I thought he was GREAT. He was my tutor at university. I remember I arrived early for the first tutorial, he was already there, we started talking and from that day forward, I thought there would be no other man for me. We didn't start seeing each other at that point- it was, after all, against university rules. I didn't even know that he was the least bit interested in me...until I received A after A after A for assignment that I'd hurriedly completed the night before. It was actually me that asked him out...after weeks of pussyfooting around each other.

That first date was an epic fail- I thought he was an idiot. Neither of us knew what to say to each other and we mostly just sat there grinning. However, the next date, and the next were a lot better. Before I knew it, I was head over heels in love. Then he broke his news. He'd graduated with his PhD and couldn't get an academic job in Dunedin. He was off to Scotland. I was heartbroken and briefly considered going with him- however, my life was here and I hadn't yet finished MY studies. Leaving was not an option, but neither was being without him.

I was miserable in the days following his departure, but was soon comforted by the emails from him that would pour into my inbox while he was supposed to be working. Emails would fly back and forth every night for four or five hours. I had no life during this time- I was almost scared to be away from the computer. We learnt more about each other through emails and the odd phonecall than we had while we were in the same country. He would routinely book holidays to Spain, Italy, Budapest and many other countries. I'd receive a postcard from each one, signed off with plenty of hugs and kisses.

I knew that he had a flatmate, Katharine, who would go on these holidays with him. She was an academic too, and they both enjoyed hiking and camping. Then one night, after he'd been off to Italy, I got an email from him. It read something along the lines of I'm sorry, but I've slept with someone else, I love her and I'm going to be with her.

I was devastated. I thought my life was over. Life pretty much did stop.I went to work, I came home, I went to work. I dabbled in relationships with other people, but couldn't put my heart in. Then came another email from Julian. His visa had run out and he was coming home. I knew he was still with Katharine, but I couldn't help myself. When he returned, we took up where we'd left off. And again, life was peachy. But it didn't last long. He'd been granted another visa and he was back off to Scotland- and back to be with Katharine.

I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I was ordered away from work for two weeks because I could barely function. I spent most of that time sleeping and crying. I simply could not believe that the love of my life had left me- again. I had thought my life was over before; well, this time I KNEW it was over. I resigned myself to living alone forever.

Life moved on around me, but I was rooted to the spot. I refused to go on dates with anyone. What was the point? They could never measure up. Julian had left me in the October and somehow, without me, life had moved into bright, sunny February. I shifted into a new flat, and to celebrate, we all went out one night. And that was the night I met my husband.

I was rude, careless and less than charming towards him. I figured that he'd just turn around and leave so why bother getting close? But this man was different to all the rest. He was persistent. My attitude didn't put him off, and slowly I let my guard down. I had been so determined to never, ever fall in love again, but somehow I couldn't resist. Before long, we were inseperable and were talking about getting married.

And that's exactly what happened.

And Julian? Well, I don't know. I receive the odd email from him, which goes directly into my deleted folder without being read. The last I heard, he was living about forty minutes out of Dunedin with Katharine. I just don't care. And when I look back, to that awful confused time, I am angry with myself for letting someone else have that power over me. And I am so so glad that life has worked out the way it has.